The answer..

Well...we got our answer.

Yesterday as planned. The wait ended and so did the mystery. I think all the fireworks and explosions happened inside my head, for the world around moved as ever before!!

For a long time before the ultrasound, I had wanted this baby to be a girl. One of each sex, and a peep into both kinds of worlds sounded perfect. I even unwittingly picked a name that I thought sounded like just the thing. Then, the whole of last week, my mind spinned on the other possibility. I felt acute delight at an imaginary picture of Winkie and his little brother rough-housing together. Maybe it was my subconscious way of preparing to be happy at either outcome.

[I know I could cut right to the chase and spill it! But no news is exciting without the proper build-up and I want this one opportunity to commit it all to memory in words.]

I woke up at 7:00 (early enough given a Saturday) but I could sleep no longer. I enjoyed my coffee watching the fog unfurling outside. It was very peaceful. I enjoyed all the moments that stretched out before me, knowing that the ancitipation was one of the best parts, apart of the actual event. So...I felt no impatience.

At 10:00 I started downing those 32 oz of water as I had been instructed, knowing I wouldn't be able to use the bathroom until after the procedure. I thought it was pretty doable, but it wasn't. By the time we reached there and I walked to the front desk to check in, it was acute agony. But they assured me the technician was ready and waiting to whisk me inside, so I bore on. She appeared within a few minutes and we were in the little dark room with all the machines and monitor and of course a place for me to lie down.

We got started, and it was underway, when I realised I hadn't conveyed to her that we were open to finding out the sex. So I told her and then went back to watching the screen. It was a regular 2D ultrasound and the baby was awake and moving around a lot. She pointed out different things she saw, like the placenta and the baby's hands and stomach. 5 minutes into the ultrasound, she paused and said, "Are you guys ready? Cos I know what you are having."

Just like the last time, we both paused and looked at each other. Didn't say a word for a few seconds. Then I said, "Alright, what is it?"

"Its a boy," she said simply.

I took it in with a bubbling sense of excitement. That was my first reaction. She pointed out to what gave it all away and yup...there it was. Hubby had spotted it at the same time as her and had figured out a few seconds earlier than her pronouncement.

And then, we moved on. Like I said earlier, the fireworks were all inside my head! She concentrated on doing her measurements, and I watched the screen, eager to stay in the moment, but my thoughts led me away.

After the initial euphoria of finding out, my heart assimilated the aftermath of my feelings. I felt, in just one word (that I will never again use with reference to my child)....disappointed.

I never realised how much I had counted on this baby being a girl, until that road was terminally closed to me. It hurt.....very much. I knew that I wouldn't be going for another pregnancy, and this really was the last time I had that chance. And now, it was over. It really hurt.

I also felt deep remorse at feeling this way while this child was growing inside me. I didn't want it to receive any of these vibrations from me, and yet I had to feel a little bit of what was real before I moved on. But all that came later. For now, I dragged myself back to the present and didn't want to miss any of the ongoing action, while lost in thought.

She continued her scan. The baby....this little little boy was moving around so much that she was having a hard time pinning him down long enough to take some of the measurements. "He's moving like a madman!" she exclaimed. The 'he' sounded so sure and pleasant to my ears. It really was nice to know.

We saw his bladder, his little heart (the beats measured 146 then and he weighed in at 13oz at this point), his little rounded spine, his big big head....it was almost over when she asked us if we wanted some 3D pictures of the little guy. She added that they were free. Well, good for that, cos we, of course, said yes.

She said she'd try her best and work fast with him because he was a squirmer. The first picture she got of him was a worthy attempt, for he seemed to sport a rather goofy smile. I wasn't sure it was a smile, but she also thought it was. Perhaps he was already getting a kick out of duping me! :)

The rest of the pictures were not that much better, thanks to his constant moving. We settled for that, and a short (you blink and you miss) video clip of him moving inside, on a CD and started for home.

Enroute, I had already updated two of my friends who I knew would be waiting for my call and also A & A who now owe me a treat. The rest of the day...I spent in a maze of my own thoughts.

The fact remained. I was sad that I wouldn't be having a girl. I was sad that I wouldn't be dressing her up in pretty clothes or tying up her hair in ponies and clips. Fast forwarded several years into the distant future, I felt sad that my daugthers-in-law would prefer having thier own mother for thier childbirth, than me. I felt sadness at having to let go of that name that was so beautiful to my ears....Akshara, the indestructible soul. (Akhil and Akshara, no more.)I felt sadness at never having the chance to bask in the special love of a daughter....the love and warmth that I gave to my own parents. I surrounded myself with all the possibilities that were no more. It was pathetic.

Soon enough I tired myself out in this vein and the incurable optimist in me begged to take over. I thought about how I had saved each and every bit of Akhil's clothing, in anticipation of this very possibility. They could grow up sharing the same room and sleep on bunk beds. The image of that was a cause for cheer. I thought about how Akhil would help potty train his brother, and the little guy would proudly model his elder brother. Perhaps, same sex kids would end up being the best of playmates after all, and share in themselves even during their adolescent years. And it should be an interesting life with 3 men in the house!

And so on and so on.....until........I was all thought out! My father to whom I conveyed these feelings said to me, "Well, you can always adopt a girl, if you want to!" Now there's a positive thought, if any.

This morning, my spirits are soaring once more as I begin to keenly identify with this active little guy inside. I feel love and affection for him and I am lucky to already have one child outside to shower that love on. The next 20 weeks stretch out ahead, but there is abundant happiness in just taking it a day at a time, enjoying each and every moment left of this last pregnancy of mine, and devoting my love and focus singly on Akhil, before another little body, heart and mind lays its claims on me.

And on this note.....ends one big chapter in my life.....and another begins.