What a wierd week it has been. Very down. Very confusing. Overwhelming. And I am just pouring right now. And I swear....I am not going to write this from a writer point of view...I am not going to spell check it, and edit it and format it for perfection! Because I am a hypocrite!
Its hard. Its just too hard. I know I made the choice to bring another child into my world. I know I will never have it any other way. But its just too hard sometimes. A whole day would have gone, and I would not have done anything substantial to mark it by. I would not have spent 'quality' time with Akhil. Worse still, I would have yelled at and been short with him for the better part of the day. And the minute, those fury words leave my lips, I am stung with remorse to see the hurt and exasperation in his face, but do I do any better? Noooo!
Its like something deadly takes grip of you and makes you this mean mean person. All you see in the day is the worst in yourself. And what's more....I know what is happening all along...and just do not have the courage and strength to get a hold of myself. I just bury myself deeper and deeper into the muck and whine about how dirty it gets.
2 weeks after Sathya was born, I developed a sprain in my right ankle. And like some superwoman I nursed it at home, without doing anything, for the next month. No, that is not courage, that is foolishness. And false bravado. When it got so persistent, I had to go to the doctor. Iboprofen and ice packs for 2 weeks. Did the medicine and not the pack. Who has the time for that kind of thing? It seemed to wane just a little bit and then a few days ago, I came down with tendonitis of the wrist. So back to the doctor it was. I came back home with a splint. And advice to ice it some more. Oh no!
Today was the last straw when I woke up with a stiff neck, making it hard to turn my head. No, I am not asking for sympathy. Far from it. I have no sympathy for myself right now.....all I want is to be honest to myself and come clean. That I am pathetic sometimes, and extremely impatient.I never realised the no. of things that can get affected in daily life as a result of these minor irritations....I can't carry grocery bags...I can't lift the hand-break in the car without wincing. Its not easy to nurse or carry Sathya and so many more things that I don't even want to think about.
I was so thrilled that I didn't feel postpartum anymore...that I felt more normal like my old pre-pregnant self....and I was all set to get back to getting fit (low self esteem whilst looking at the mirror everyday, and that's a whole different story!), when these afflictions come about. I am not good with these kind of situations. Health is wealth and I always feel I can do anything, anything at all, so long as I am feeling well and have a good night's sleep. I see this as a huge setback,and I can't stand it! I feel childish even writing all these basic things....but I need to be honest!
Some nights Sathya wakes up every 2 hours from 2 AM onwards. That's hard. Last night he woke up by the hour. 3 AM. 4 AM, then 5! I lost it. I had this crazy idea in the middle of the night to wake up every sleeping person in the house by screaming into their ear. I even considered rolling out Sathya's bassinet to the guest bedroom so I could block out his sounds. I looked at him this morning and felt ashamed.I have so many chances to be an example to Akhil during the course of the day. And at each opportunity I become all the things he should never be! And when at last, he is asleep at night...I miss him, and miss the chances that I missed. I resolve for a better tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes.
Just when I want to spend some time with Akhil, Sathya wakes up. And just when I am attending to Sathya, Akhil wants to read a book or do something which is not possible for me. Not now, Akhil ...is the litany he hears from me nowadays. I hate to think of how he looks at me. I nag him to death. About eating, about sleeping, about getting ready for school...poor baby! If he were any less innocent, he would have divorced me long ago!
My kids are really wonderful. God has seen to that. But He's left me lacking! No, I am not being harsh on myself. Just plain straight. There's no point feeling these things, and then not getting it right the next time. There's no point in resolving to amend, and getting into the same rut over and over, that the first person to get exasperated with you is YOU. There's no point being discerning about things and figuring out what needs to be done, if you still haven't found a way to do it.
I have typed furiously, and now the words have stopped. I have nothing left to say. Just a world left to do!
And just because it is hard for me, very very hard for me to leave anything off in such a somber note...I'm making a feeble attempt at humour and submitting this as my entry for...'Real Mothers Rant'!