Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I don't even know what to name this post..

What a wierd week it has been. Very down. Very confusing. Overwhelming. And I am just pouring right now. And I swear....I am not going to write this from a writer point of view...I am not going to spell check it, and edit it and format it for perfection! Because I am a hypocrite!

Its hard. Its just too hard. I know I made the choice to bring another child into my world. I know I will never have it any other way. But its just too hard sometimes. A whole day would have gone, and I would not have done anything substantial to mark it by. I would not have spent 'quality' time with Akhil. Worse still, I would have yelled at and been short with him for the better part of the day. And the minute, those fury words leave my lips, I am stung with remorse to see the hurt and exasperation in his face, but do I do any better? Noooo!

Its like something deadly takes grip of you and makes you this mean mean person. All you see in the day is the worst in yourself. And what's more....I know what is happening all along...and just do not have the courage and strength to get a hold of myself. I just bury myself deeper and deeper into the muck and whine about how dirty it gets.

2 weeks after Sathya was born, I developed a sprain in my right ankle. And like some superwoman I nursed it at home, without doing anything, for the next month. No, that is not courage, that is foolishness. And false bravado. When it got so persistent, I had to go to the doctor. Iboprofen and ice packs for 2 weeks. Did the medicine and not the pack. Who has the time for that kind of thing? It seemed to wane just a little bit and then a few days ago, I came down with tendonitis of the wrist. So back to the doctor it was. I came back home with a splint. And advice to ice it some more. Oh no!

Today was the last straw when I woke up with a stiff neck, making it hard to turn my head. No, I am not asking for sympathy. Far from it. I have no sympathy for myself right now.....all I want is to be honest to myself and come clean. That I am pathetic sometimes, and extremely impatient.I never realised the no. of things that can get affected in daily life as a result of these minor irritations....I can't carry grocery bags...I can't lift the hand-break in the car without wincing. Its not easy to nurse or carry Sathya and so many more things that I don't even want to think about.

I was so thrilled that I didn't feel postpartum anymore...that I felt more normal like my old pre-pregnant self....and I was all set to get back to getting fit (low self esteem whilst looking at the mirror everyday, and that's a whole different story!), when these afflictions come about. I am not good with these kind of situations. Health is wealth and I always feel I can do anything, anything at all, so long as I am feeling well and have a good night's sleep. I see this as a huge setback,and I can't stand it! I feel childish even writing all these basic things....but I need to be honest!

Some nights Sathya wakes up every 2 hours from 2 AM onwards. That's hard. Last night he woke up by the hour. 3 AM. 4 AM, then 5! I lost it. I had this crazy idea in the middle of the night to wake up every sleeping person in the house by screaming into their ear. I even considered rolling out Sathya's bassinet to the guest bedroom so I could block out his sounds. I looked at him this morning and felt ashamed.I have so many chances to be an example to Akhil during the course of the day. And at each opportunity I become all the things he should never be! And when at last, he is asleep at night...I miss him, and miss the chances that I missed. I resolve for a better tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes.

Just when I want to spend some time with Akhil, Sathya wakes up. And just when I am attending to Sathya, Akhil wants to read a book or do something which is not possible for me. Not now, Akhil ...is the litany he hears from me nowadays. I hate to think of how he looks at me. I nag him to death. About eating, about sleeping, about getting ready for school...poor baby! If he were any less innocent, he would have divorced me long ago!

My kids are really wonderful. God has seen to that. But He's left me lacking! No, I am not being harsh on myself. Just plain straight. There's no point feeling these things, and then not getting it right the next time. There's no point in resolving to amend, and getting into the same rut over and over, that the first person to get exasperated with you is YOU. There's no point being discerning about things and figuring out what needs to be done, if you still haven't found a way to do it.

I have typed furiously, and now the words have stopped. I have nothing left to say. Just a world left to do!

And just because it is hard for me, very very hard for me to leave anything off in such a somber note...I'm making a feeble attempt at humour and submitting this as my entry for...'Real Mothers Rant'!

19 comments:

Gauri said... Best Blogger Tips

Tharini My Dear Tharini

Will it help if I were to simply say "Please go easy on yourself - albeit for a while".

I can perfectly understand your feelings - trust be - I've been there.

It is not easy Tharini - handling a 3 1/2 year old, a baby and to top the whole thing off - health problems.

So please, please dear, give yourself a break.

I can understand your feelings of remorse and shame when you look back and think of the times you "lost it" with Akhil. Happens to me too. But end of the day, we've got to accept the fact that we are human after all.

I am not trying to justify the fact that we "lose it" with the kids - rather to say OK what was done was done - it cannot be changed. So let's get on with it.

For starters, I would say - try and take things an hour at a time -not even a day at a time.

I know you've heard a lot of this word but hear it once again if it helps even a little - It Is A Phase - understandably a very very tough one.

You are a strong person Tharini - I've known you long enough to say that with conviction. So hang in there and the rough edges will even out.

And do remember to give yourself a break every once in a while.

Take care

A big big hug

Love

Gauri

Moppet's Mom said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh dear, can I just give you a BIGG HUGG and say that this too shall pass?

Orchid said... Best Blogger Tips

Awww Tharini, I feel for you but please don't blae yourself. I can see you are doing the best and don't we all have our days. It happens to me with just one child.
Cheer up and just be the person you are....you are a great mom, we all know that

Poppins said... Best Blogger Tips

God has not left you lacking Tharini. Your children are wonderful, because you are wonderful too.

It does sound like you;re trying to do everything, though.. Could you get anyone to help. I mean grocery shopping, driving around - it would be better if you took off for a while and let somebody else take over.

Anybody can do all the menial chores but only YOU can mother your children. It's probably easier said than done, but couldnt you hand over every other responsibility to someone else (could be friends, family, hired help anything) and just focus being with Sathya and Winkie?
This is crisis time, redeem all the favors your friends owe you !

That way you will feel loads better and more relaxed.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi Tharini,

I feel after pregnancy the body becomes weak ( you know all the nerves, muscles etc) and needs proper rest and care. I know most women now a days are not getting the luxury of proper rest and care, but I think one can take things little slow and not stress out on being and doing right all the time. And dont you think it is good for your son to learn that mommy cannot give him attention all the time ?? It will teach him to learn to deal with those kind of situations.

It is easier to give advice and sit back. :-) It does feel good to give advice.

Any ways I shall pray to GOD to give you strength to overcome all this.

-Sangeetha

Xpressions said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi
I have never commented on yr blog...have been a silent reader though...
But this particular post...i had to comment...its as if u wrote abt my feelings...having 2 children less than 2 yrs apart (a boy & a girl) i go throu these feelings almost everyday.....i curse myself for being a bad parent, always promising myself to be better the next instance ....but find myself slipping ....& after the kids have slept i look at their innocent faces & weep internally for my inadequency.....but guess its all in the game & once we accept that all things cannot be done to perfection always, we will feel better...
U & yr children are lovely!

DesiGirl said... Best Blogger Tips

Hey Tharini,
One of those days, eh? Don't take it all so much to heart. At the end of the day, please remember you are human too, not just Supermommy. You cannot be nice and kind and a beaming, motherly spirit 24/7. I suspect you've been going on at full pelt for a good while now and things have just caught up with you.
Let me tell you something - I have just one child and that itself gets a bit too much for me to handle at times. Even as a baby, Pratik was the most well behaved, clock-work type baby but still I couldn't handle it.
Please take a day off by yourself - don't glare at me and wonder when. Possibly this Saturday? Wanting some 'me time' does NOT make you a bad mother. Read a book, listen to music, luxuriate in your tub, take a walk alone, be yourself for sometime, instead of a mum or a wife.
*Big hugs*

The Mad Momma said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh Tara.. me too... i wish you didnt do this.. i burst into tears of gratitude that i am not alone!! I am just so tired of fobbing the poor brat off .. and so guilty that the bean doesnt get me 100% ever in her life.. and i am so short tempered... but the last few days have seen me slightly less grouchy.. the wrist is still bad and the stomach still aches... but i have you for company and i feel better already!

karmickids said... Best Blogger Tips

Please please please go easy on yourself, its not easy handling two babies, and me the spineless one, has not opted for the second thereby depriving my son from the pleasure of a sibling for my own selfish comfort....your son loves you....regardless of the not nows....

Kowsalya Subramanian said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh Tharini...
hope you are ok.. cheer up girl.. has your mom left already? If not, if winkie gets along well with her, you should probably leave him with her for a week or so and get some rest..
I was wondering why there were no updates from you for so long and wanted to contact you to find you were ok..
Wish I lived closer to your place to help you NOW.

B o o said... Best Blogger Tips

Tharini, you are no hypocrite! I think every person who has ever read your blog would agree with me on that. You handle things beautifully and are an inspiration to me and I bet many other moms who read you. So dont feel so low.
And I add whatever Gauri said before me. Take care and a big hug to you.

Vee Kay said... Best Blogger Tips

Dear Tharini,

I found you through the DMC. I have 2 kids, Aayush is 2 1/2 and Anoushka is 15 month old.Aayush was 17 months old when Anoushka was born. I have gone through this phase that you are going through and after a year come out of it to enter another phase. will tell you about that other phase some other time :). Back to your post, though.
Here is what worked for me. Whenever, Aayush wanted to do something, I immediately did it. For eg; he would always want to read a book or play lego or whatever, everytime I was feeding Anoushka. I would continue feeding Anoushka and have him sit next to me and participate in whatever he wanted to do. Most of the time he didn't really want my participation. He just wanted to make sure that I am still there for him on-demand as I was before. The moment I read out a page or participated in whatever he wanted to do, he would just go and do whatever it is he is really wanted to do. Apparently,in his mind, I passed some test he was putting me through. I went through 6 months of this. Sometimes I could handle it this way, sometimes I would patiently explain why I couldn't do it (She is a baby, you are big boy...etc.) and that worked. Sometimes, though, nothing worked and I did lose my patience with him and yes, these were the moments when I was just physically and mentally overwhelmed. The moment the guilt hit though I would go to him and explain to him why mommy yelled at him and he would look at me as if he understood and actually wipe the hurt look off his face.

What I wanted to tell you from this really long comment is that make him a partner. Make it as if you and Winkie are taking care of Sathya together. When you go to feed Sathya, tell winkie "Sathya is hungry, shall we go feed him?" Let him sit beside you with a book or something. Once you are done feeding Sathya, then spend a moment with winkie, telling him how is patience calmed down the baby. Involve him in your moments with Sathya. When you are enjoying Sathya's 'firsts', Call out to winkie and let him enjoy the novelty, too. I hope my experience will help you.

All this is possible though when you are healthy. One thing you should not do at all is ignore your health. If it is possible recruit some friends/family to help you out till all what ails you heals. Consider some calcium supplements after you are done with your antibiotics.
Hang in there and know that everyone goes through it and everyone loses it once in a while. Think of it as a cosmic reminder that we are just human. :)

Didn't mean to ramble but the post hit a spot..

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

hey - take it easy! you are already doing more than a lot of people i know with two kids (me included!)

i have been an 'interested' mother, a 'stay at home' mother and a lot of other 'good' things, but i have always been a 'LAZY' mother and with all my good intentions i have ended up doing not very much for my children. and while i do feel bad sometimes and do plan to be better, i feel overall that we are pretty much the way we are and our children can benefit from that too. for example both diya and anika are extremely independent children both physically and mentally and quite easily adjustable and adaptable in most situations - and that i think is because i have been too lazy to do stuff they have at some level figured to do stuff themselves.

that is not to say things are perfect - they most certainly are'nt - all am saying is that it may be physically impossible for people like us with good intentions to actually do everything we intend to and that it may not only be ok, in many ways it may work out for the best!

so relax, enjoy and be happy! guilt is a 'no good' emotion.
love
d
(guilty of guilt myself!)

Sheela said... Best Blogger Tips

Hugs, Tharini, and more hugs for being so sincere and honest - i did not have a blog back then when i felt this way and i ended up screaming at the walls... writing about it is therapeutic - for me, at least... hope it works the same way for you too.

saw your later post first and left a comment before i came here. couldn't walk away without leaving you a note.

Tharini said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you everyone. So much. I guess I did need the sympathy after all, going by the way I lapped it all up.

Gauri : Thank you. For your words. For your phonecall. And your quirky suggestion of sticking my feet in the snow! :) I did ice it as I promised and it was hell!

Moppet's Mom : Thanks for the hugs. And you're right. Today's been better. And I've been better today.

Orchid : Good to have you back on the circuit, albeit thru Uj's laptop. Thank you for your words.

Poppin : Thanks for thinking abt it for me. You know, my mom's still here, and she does the max and I would have gone to the loonybin without her. I guess something do fall to my lot. Got to reorganise the responsibilities a bit so I can rest my hand.

Sangeetha : Yeah, that's my theory too. That mybody is still in weakened state and so is the mind. :)

xpressions : You said it all when you used the word inadequacy. *sigh*.....I am glad you shared your thoughts with me this time. Please let me continue hearing from you. :)

Desigirl : No I ain't glaring. But a day off is out of the question. Esp. since I am breastfeeding. But a few hours off...I do steal in from timeto time. Blogging is all I need to do to feel better. :)

MM : Oh dear dear MM. I know I know. We'll survive this, won't we? yes we will and we'll glow to tell the tale, and advise mothers in the future won't we? :) That shall be fun!

Kiran : I am so happy to see your note. I have been reading KK for a week now, and enjoyed it so much silently. Esp, the post w.r.t Kahlil Gibran, whose wrting I love. Thank you so much.

Kowsalya : Thank you my dear. My mom's still here, And Akhil loves her company now. She does a lot for me, and I am lucky beyond measure.

Boo : Thank you. And you've used the word inspiration on me enough times. You know how much pressure that puts me thru? ;)

VeeKay : A new friend thru DMC. yeeaay! Thanks for the great suggestions. I shall remember them from tomorrow (tomorrow WILL come!) :)

Div : Yes, we have all sailed the same boat. And I liked your perspective very much. Guilt is no good. Its deadly. You're right.

Sheela : I have a feeling we are going to get to know each other a lot better from now on. Thanks for taking the time to write to me. You don't know much I appreciate it from someone whom I just got acquainted with. :)

Praba said... Best Blogger Tips

T-

I couldn't stop thinking about your post the last couple of days... Couldn't get myself to leave a comment...

ou call yourself a hypocrite...no, you are not...We all lose it...Trust me, how many days I've lost it with my mom, hubby, and K of course...Then the feelings of jealously that my mom and my hubby can sleep the whole night while I can't...The first three months, I would wake up so grouchy to put the baby on my mom's bed at fivish, and dash upstairs to catch two extra hrs of sleep - my mom would be all fresh and up, and start playing with the baby...I will be like, who cares for the cooing? dont even try getting near my romm until 7.30.
I was a wreck... Still...Added to it, my 2nd c-sec...I

One thing I wanted to ask you about was - Most night, since her newborn stages, S has been waking frequently after 12 - 2 times mostly, and I nurse her...

6.30pm to 11-12 midnight - she is mostly fine.. - would wake up 11ish to nurse, which is fine, and then at 2ish and then close to five...I am at a loss how I can make her skip the 2ish feed...I've gotten used to it, and dont complain as I used to before...and i take a nap - so that compensates...on days i dont, i am a wreck!!

But, at some point, both the baby and I need a whole night's sleep...first 6 months - i was terrible - nurse to sleep didnt work all nights, then mom or I used to sing/pat - it was so bad with no routine...I am so thankful it's all behind me, and has gotten a lot better...the point is " i'm still an emotional wreck!!!" :-)( sorry to hog your space with my personal rantings...)

Priya said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi! This is Priya, you left a note in my blog about a month ago in a post about my sister's miscarriage. Finally, I've had the time to come and check out your blog. This post, while it is not funny, made me laugh. Why? Because I think every mother I know with more than one child has gone through this! You are not alone! And sometimes, for me, that thought is the only thing that gets me through those days. I still have these days sometimes, my girls are 7 years and 3 years, and I'm now working. It is hard...sometimes I wonder why I went back to work. But in the end, the fulfillment I get from my job helps me focus on the kids when I'm with them.

Anyway, wanted to say hi and to let you know that I appreciated your comments in my LiveJournal. I'll try to keep up here - between kids and work, I'm barely able to blog anymore!

Priya said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, BTW, my LJ is priyabradfield.livejournal.com, in case you don't remember me. :-)

Nisha said... Best Blogger Tips
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