Timeless and perfect...

!!!!!

Yes, that's how I feel right now. Shock. Deep shock. Winkie was having breakfast. I was sitting with him at the table, when the door bell rang at 8:45 in the morning. Intruder!! was my first thought. Who would ring the bell now?? And then second thought...that R, had returned home to surprise me and spend the day home. I didn't open right away. I looked through the little window, trying to see who it was. I couldn't see a person....only a car. At the edge of the driveway, and engine left running, smoke rising from the cold cold day. I opened the door, and who do I see...but Kodi's Mom. All jacket and scarf and gloves (you did wear them, didn't you? Never mind if you didn't...it sounds good here anyway!)...and she put this little package in my hands and said...Happy birthday...and ...you're gonna love this. At least that's what I think she said because everything about that moment is now hazy.

I was s.i.m.p.l.y shocked and couldn't react. I gave her a hug before she made a hurried getaway and my toes had frozen by that point. Came back into the house and sat down at the table once more. Winkie was looking at me questioningly. I told him it was KM Aunty. I thumbed through the little photo album. 2 photos were loose and fell out. There was an envelope with the clue. Nothing made sense. Still in shock. Saw so many words, and wishes, and special things. I closed the book. I couldn't take it. It was all too much for me in that instant. I called up R on the phone. He was on the train. When he picked up the phone, he heard someone sobbing on the other line. And telling him incoherently what had happened. He smiled and laughed and called me a silly thing. But I cried and cried and cried and I bawled. Winkie came hurrying to me in alarm and asked me what had happened. Why are you crying Amma?...

Because I am happy, Kanna.

Then, don't cry Amma, don't cry...he said, sounding more confused than ever, and hugging me tight, a choke in his voice. R was still laughing loudly on the other line, wondering what to say to this hormonal woman that wouldn't make her cry some more.

And then, I stopped when I looked at the clock. Already 9:00 Am and Winkie should have been in school by this time. I didn't have the luxury to finish my cry just then. So I pulled myself together and hurried upstairs to wash up and drop him to school. Ccame back home only by 10:00. An almost hour long spell binding conversation with Uma...on our usual topic. God. Life. Purpose. I had left the little album in our prayer altar. I retrieved it and looked at it more calmly, reading, absorbing, trying to guess who wrote what. I figured some of them out...like Dimple Girl and Nightingale's sister, for instance. :) So many more to unearth and I want to do it painfully slow. I closed it again, without finishing it. Again, it was sooo much to take and I needed more time.

They say....when you come into contact with God, the experience is very harsh. Very overpowering, even in all its beauty. That is how I look at this. To you, to all of you, who crafted this beautiful thing together...it may have been some chunk of your time and thoughts and energy. And for me, to receive it in all its collective glory...its simply an out of body experience. I want to settle, but I can't settle. I want to read thru it all and solve all the little mysteries, but each step forward stops me to close and savour first. I want to say I am happy..but I can't. Happy is only a 5 letter word. And as such, it is a failure for me, because it cannot b.e.g.i.n to disclose how I am right now. In what state of emotion and blessing.

All of you have proved my theory on life...and you are living, breathing, emoting touches of my idea of God. Yes...that is exactly what this is. A divine, sublime, extra terrestrial experience. THIS is what is REAL, in everything else that is illusory. This is the lifeline. This love, and this caring that made you take the efforts for me. This is what moves life forward. And I am in love with this life. And with all the people that inhabit it. The suffering, the drama, the turmoils, the disillusionment....I relish it all. Whatever little fear factor I had in me about the future and all that comes with it is slowly dissipating. What else can anybody ask for in a birthday?? All this wisdom and divine strokes that you have added to my life, is enough to last me this lifetime. I should feel 60 years old, at this rate. And I am what...only 30??? WHat a lucky thing!

I am going to savour this little photo book. I'll look at it today, I'll show it to Uma when I pick up Winkie, I'll pore over it for every detail with R in the evening when we get some time to ourselves, I will describe it to my father when I call him tomorrow...I will delight in it on the phone with my friends and after all the excitement has died down...I will still partake in it some more. I will put it neatly, in between my other photo albums, and take it out from time to time and remember each of you fondly, and give you little blessings inside my heart. Thanks for this treasure. It is timeless and perfect. I love you all.

-Tharini.

P.S - Wrote this in one uninterrupted go of emotions. Usually, I do spell checks, formatting and reading editions. This time, I will do none. You will see my emotions in the pristine form. And what label shall I attach to this post? Blogger asks for a label, but what do I give? What would be appropriate? I cannot think of one right now...

P.P.S - I don't know how this how thing got started. Whose idea? How long of planning? How was it executed? Where did all those amazing backgrounds come from? So many many questions....so please...indulge me in my comment space and unravel the mystery for me.

Last P.S - I am having a tough time getting through my day in a normal routine manner. Thambi is here, and I have not even fed him breakfast. He is snacking right now and I have no eyes for anything except my little photo book. How am I to cook dinner and give him a bath, and all the other little little things that I will HAVE to do? I am caught, to my extreme pleasure, in this time warp...that precise moment, right after Kodi's Mom came by and I took my first peek into the pages. I still haven't even looked at the online album! You guys have also made me so dysfunctional today!