A tryst with friendship...

Here's the thing about childhood friendships. They're not always clued into every little thing that takes place in the 2 disparate lives over the period of time. So many things, little little things that you would have communicated to the friend that occupies the same country, will not be considered significant subject for conversations long distance. But when what is lodged deepest in the heart....the crippling fears, the stumbling disappointments, the most sublime happiness...when all these find a mode of expression in the precious, dwindling hours of 2 days....you know you are faced with the idea of eternity. For what is lasting...what is timeless, has risen from the core once more and asserted itself.


This is the realisation now. But it wasn't that way that morning when I woke up knowing it would be the day I would meet my Juno Swan (JS). The night had been rough, what with Winkie writing and groaning in bed, unable to sleep from the debilitations of his growing pains, and Thambi wide awake at 4 AM from his jetlag! I woke up feeling sore and crabby and sleepy and unenthusiastic. Little wisps of thought came by, reminding me of the significance of that day in my life. I acknowledged them without the rising wave of excitement. Perhaps, it wasn't hitting me yet. Or maybe it was just a little hard to make the immediate shift from Patti's little world at the fag end of life, to a world that put me right back to sweet 16 again. I don't know...all I know is that I was feeling quiet and subdued.

The 3 hour drive was not of much consequence, except that the driver made me car sick with the sharp maneuvers and erratic speeds, under the full blast of a very sunny Thane afternoon, leaving us all hot and tired. We turned into the building where she lived and parked by the garage, and before I even got out.....there she was! Rushing down to meet us, barely containing her excitement, her little one on her hips, her mother...my friend....

I had pictured this scene in my head before...before I even left Chicago. And when the moment happened, it saw us enacting that high pitched sonic squeal, and rushing into each other's arms for that big, warm, open, long lost hug! This was the mental reunion of all my fondest imaginations. What happened in real....was a little different.


Allow me the luxury of this digression here, for without it, this story and that moment, cannot be told. I believe that each one of us has perhaps, this one thing, one single thing, that cripples us. Something that has left us with some trauma, and also shaped and defined the way we think about ourselves and look at ourselves. For me, that something is my weight. It has always followed a very unsteady yoyo pattern all my life, that has swung my mood in turns and dictated my confidence. Such that even when you grow up, and fancy that you've grown up and made some strides, there are moments that teach you...that you haven't.


For me, that moment and this moment, collided. Imperceptibly. For when I saw my best friend, the first, instant, undisputed thought was....that she was thin and I was not. Horrible, isn't it??? Sad...even more. It was very painful for me, because it blighted what had been a heavily anticipated moment. And it spoke itself in the half hearted hug I gave her, in contrast to her pure, beautiful one. And what is amazing is that the words not spoken...the thoughts unbroken....they were the loudest vibration of all. And she heard them just as surely as I had said it myself, but it didn't have the opportunity or confidence of figuring in our conversation until much later....

As a result, she was a lot more at ease with me than I was. I carried the feeling of being spaced out a little longer before I finally began to ease into my own skin. By then a delicious, hot lunch was enjoyed and little bits of catching up from the surface was done. Thambi appeared smitten by that little lady she had been carrying on her hips. He followed her around wherever she went, making it an interesting watch...a 24 month old tailing the skirts of a 16 month old. History repeated itself when Winkie and her firstborn met. To say they took to each other like a house on fire would be playing it down. They just fit together perfectly. It was of some surprise to us, because boys are picky about boys and girls are picky about girls. Usually. A moment that stood out was when we were walking home from taking both the kids to the park, and it just so happened that I caught hold of the little girl's hand and JS cupped Winkie's hand in hers. It all happened so casually, as we held the hand of the child nearest to us, to navigate them safely across the road and realised the cross matching. It made us look up at each other and share a smile, the kind that speaks devoid of words.

It would have been customary for us to pass the wee hours of the night in deep conversation, but not this night. My bleary eyes and sagging shoulders earned her sympathy and she let me off the hook to go and sleep. And I did. The next day (Jan 28th) turned out very busy, and we spent some part of it shopping for something nice and ethnic for the boys to wear on Thambi's birthday the next day. And we hurried back home to be on time to receive another dear friend from our closeted group of 6 schoolgirls. Seeing her was like getting a whiff of an old and favorite perfume. A mixture of fondness and familiarity. It was at times surreal and totally fun to see all the little ones (each of us had 2) bounce off each other in random interactions. The noise levels hiked, delicious snacks were laid out with the most awesome tea (oh wait! I made it!!:)), and we managed stolen conversation in all that din and confusion. Moments were frozen digitally, as we each held onto our respective restless forms and consigned it to posterity. But the moment that I will take away from the 3 of us reuniting, is this walk to the park. Walks to the park seem to trigger sentimental meanderings, I know...but you will agree with me when you know that this is when that picture above was clicked. The two of them were deep in conversation and I lingered a little way behind to see if my lens could do justice to that intimacy. I hope it has, because it was one of the most beautiful sights of my life. [In case you are wondering, JS is the one on the left, in yellow. :)]

This was where we managed the most heartfelt conversation, the kind we wished we had more time for. Much more time, than that measly 1/2 an hour. Even now, as I think about that scene, I miss it as much as I miss them, and the feeling of unfulfilled desire knots tighter in my heart. K, left soon after and the rest of the evening drifted away in the necessities....preparing dinner, ensuring kids ate, eating ourselves...! And once the rest of the house called it a night, it was f.i.n.a.l.l.y...our time. Prior to this, a little trigger of a carelessly spoken word ruptured the dam of my pent up emotions, the complicated ones that I had described earlier. Tears flowed unhindered, helped along by the pain of many years of thoughtless remarks and rigid perceptions. Tears that were received with dignity and respect and full and complete sympathy....empathy even, by a beloved sister and a beloved friend. Sisterhood became more than just about blood ties, and friendship could also be found in family...that was the beautiful resonance of that painful, joyful moment. I am lucky to have these 2 people who interchange these roles so lovingly.

With the release that that cry afforded me, I now spoke of all the things that have challenged me over the years. And I also spoke of the strength of the divinity that was growing in my life. She spoke of her life and its growth for her. We spoke of present struggles and some words of advice that are as profound as they are startlingly simple. She said....whenever you face problems with another person, just remember that it's not personal. Its not PERSONAL. It just means that there is something missing in that person that makes them act and react in the way they do. But its got nothing to do with you. And when you realise that its not personal, all you will have left in your heart for them is sympathy.

Lord! There is nothing more delightful than feeling the exact current of the divine through the voice of your friend. It was so deeply satisfying and I loved hearing her talk, sensing the wisdom in her words and at the same time marvelling at how much she had grown. Calm, grounded, sane yet passionate, life experience speaking volumes, addressing the exact issue pounding my head, applying the balm of perspective in just the right place, perfect pressure and all. *sigh* Friendship!

That friendship carried us through till 4 in the morning, when only the practical consideration of being physically functional and lucid for the coming day, persuaded us to end our midnight tryst. And we have come away agreeing that this was the exact recharge our friendship needed, and that it has always come about at regular intervals and important junctures of our life. I know a little bit more about her life now and the intricate details.....for instance, I know that she downs several cups of tea during the day to keep going. I know that she gets worried and preoccupied with her maid issues. I know what time her husband comes home. And I know what challenges her most as a parent. I know the exact layout of her house and her building, and the upholstery on her sofa. I know how she cooks and that she makes the most awesome cabbage vadais. I know the design of the mangalsutra that she wears around her neck and the tone her voice takes when she talks to her daughter. I know all the things that I would not have known from our regular phone conversations. And that makes all the difference in the world.

What more can I say about this friendship that I haven't said in a few dozen different ways already???? Oh yes. There is one other thing that I forgot to say. It was what she said actually. Let me leave you with that. She said....before you love another, love YOURSELF!!!