Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dear God...

Dear God...

A long day is drawing to an end. For my children, whose faces I can make out in the dark of the night, the day is already done. They sleep peacefully, their little bodies heaving and sighing with every breath. I am usually so keyed up throughout the day, that I don't notice every opportunity you give me to have a laugh and share a smile with them. You are very generous with all those moments, and I am such a miser with all my love. Why such a difference, Lord? Why can you not make me your perfect instrument? Why am I so hopelessly flawed?

Yet, I know you are kind. You give a beautiful vision of clarity once in a while, where, just for a moment, I can glimpse right into the very heart of them, and feel what they feel, when they are at the receiving end of me. And when I thus become one with them, my whole heart is filled with so much of pain and compassion. Its not easy being them either. Its not easy being a child, who has no authority. Its not easy being told what to do all day long. Instruction after instruction belted out, in very impatient tones, hardly aware of the effect of such a thing. Words spoken in haste, actions stemming from harshness, a cold withering look, impatience to listen, overruling in a second.....how easily and how much all this becomes a habit.

Dear Lord....when will good intention ever meet action, not in random bursts of inspiration, but as a consistent and concerted effort? When will I have enough kindness both towards myself and my children to be a loving mother? Why do I always have to struggle so much for it everyday, think myself to distraction and yet not have something of substance to go on??? Why is it so hard to be the kind of parent that You are to me....the steadiest, most reliable presence in my life, giving, giving, always giving endlessly, in a manner of peace, with so much room for me to grow and make mistakes, with so much of acceptance for my mistakes, and with an overflow of love whenever I turn to You.....why am I a shadow of that only for a shadow of a time, and not more?

Why do You give us free will, if it is always God's will at the end of the day? Why can you not take over for me when I mistakes? Why do You always wait to be asked first, when you know I love you? Is that not a sign of your own Ego now? There are days when I simply cannot fathom or accept why You put us through the struggle everyday! Why do you wonder Who you are, and why are we suffering from the veil of illusion as a result??? Why should the Truth be so out of reach, with so few resources thrown our way to aid in the path. I did not ask for this jungle of earthly existence. I did not ask to be separated from You...

Today, as I drove to work, You whispered a thought to me......that having Faith meant never asking....Why me? and instead questioning....What should I do now? And as I listened, I heard you tell me...that the first question stemmed from passivity or non-doing, which is fruitless, and the second question exhorts action or doing...which is constructive. Well....everything is beautiful in theory and thought, but breaks down in application. Thereby the irony arises...where the beautiful theory now wears passivity's cloak and application and the failure therefrom equates to the action, which was to have been constructive.

But of course, You counter.....God helps those who help themselves!

Granted!! So dear Lord, grant me the will and strength of character to come through with honour and dignity. Help me be a good mother, the kind you will look fondly upon, the kind who knows she's done her best, as she goes to bed everyday...because right now, I firmly lack that conviction. Right now, I almost cannot bear that the day is done and another opportunity lost to be happy together. Right now, I am unable to look to tomorrow as yet another canvas You gift to me, to paint my colours on, and to this night as the moment of rest before the task. If I sleep fitfully tonight, it will only be due to an act of extreme mercy from You....


10 comments:

Aparna said... Best Blogger Tips

I stumbled across your post by chance and was so moved.Today the whole world is so different from what I remember from my own childhood. I just hope that as a mother, I can introduce my children to the essentials of a value based life.God bless.

Kowsalya Subramanian said... Best Blogger Tips

As always this post too made me cry (more as I was also asking similar questions to Him)

Tharini said... Best Blogger Tips

HI Aparna and welcome, and thank you for writing. You just happened to catch me in one of my off days..

K : *sigh*

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi Tharini,
I have been reading your blog for quite some time, just commenting for the first time today. Your post echoed my thoughts. I have a 9 month old daughter and I feel so bad about leaving her because of work. I feel guilty of not being able to spend all the time with her, for being impatient with her when I am getting late in the morning for work, for getting annoyed when she doesn't do thing as per my schedule which I know is totally ridiculous. I also keep asking why I am doing all this when my heart is overflowing with love for her all the time. Still, no answers. Just hoping that some day God will help me get past this stage and be a better mother than I am today.
Best,
AW

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi Tharini,
Sometimes I feel that this kind of letters to God are too personal to be displayed.
Anyways, I hope He listens to every mom's heart and knows what's in there.

Tharini said... Best Blogger Tips

AW : I know exactly what u mean, and I hear you word for word.

Anon : I second your wish too and I understand what you mean by the first line.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi Tharini, I have been reading your posts for a while now and couldn't not leave a comment for this post..absoultely moving :) I have an almost 2 year old daughter and I went back to work ( I am an design engineer) after my baby was born until she turned 11 months! But, couldnt resist those exact same thoughts in your post - quit my job and have been staying home since then. While I am enjoying my time with her now..I have to admit that there are days where I wish I could go back and have a career TOO!! Isnt there anyway to have it all? Sorry for rambling in your post! God Bless.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Beautifully and very soulfully expressed thoughts! I have not read anyone who puts their emotions so well into words anywhere until i came across your post!! Your words touch the heart!

God bless you!
Peace & Love,
Shree

B o o said... Best Blogger Tips

When Ashu was a baby, I had this thought. that Im God and the creator of this baby. That assumption answered most of my Qs on God. Even now, when a situation arises where I think Why me God, I put myself in His position and realize thats exactly what I would have done too. As always, an inspirig post, T. Peace.

Tharini said... Best Blogger Tips

Boo...beautifully said, and its a very profound statement you have made. Thank you.

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