Being honest...and being awesome!

R is a patient man. He is an even more patient father. I don't know how he does it, but he does. Things that have me all keyed up in a matter of seconds, will leave him unfazed for the most part. He always maintains a steady, even tone of voice. He can explain a point a 100 times before the first sign of impatience creeps in. And even then, you will not see him losing a breath. Of course there are times when he gets angry/irritated/impatient too. And all it takes at times like these are a slight raising of the tone of his voice, a slightly cold expression, and the boys take immediate notice. Heck, I do too! I am not trying to make him out to be a saint...but this is such an important character trait of his that wins over the boys everytime. I can see how much they love being around him, and talking to him, and roughhousing. Me, on the other hand. Well...I have admitted often enough times on this blog, how I am everything that is not patience and calm and grace, most times, though I guess a lot of you don't believe that. Or maybe you do and are still being nice to me about it. :)

The reason why I write all this....ah, if only we could be that obvious to ourselves all the time! There's a muddle of thoughts in my head about this, and it has come up often enough times for my introspection, and I just want to get it all out. The fact is, while it is wonderful to have a sort of role model in the house, one that I can always look up to as standard for my own behavior, its not always easy. One, the ego repels at such nobility of being, and scoffs at it, and tries to write it off thinking....he doesn't spend the whole day with them! But I know, that's not fair or true. He can spend a whole day with them doing the physical caring for them, and I know he might be even more tired than me at the end of the day, even crabby perhaps, but he would not lose the grace to show it in an acceptable manner. His voice will not reach the high pitch, his actions will still be patient and nurturing, and he would do everything he could to do the most he can. He would sacrifice himself. That's just who he is.

And that's just not who I am. I am a little more selfish. I started off really well, especially, when Winkie was young. I think I did my best to be a good mother to him then. I taught him things actively, I spent time with him and I gave myself a burnout on some days. But over time, with blogging, and the discovery of a whole host of other interests, I have slowly but steadily, given those things a little bit more importance in my life, in the name of self preservation, not understanding, that in the long run, they were actually eroding the finer points of me, because of not being able to strike the right balance. I took care of all their physical needs, I cooked fresh meals all the time and made sure they were not hungry, but the real activity of being with them, enjoying their company and nurturing their innermost needs was being lost to me. It happened only in spurts of enthusiasm, not on a consistent, daily basis. Slowly, and over time, I have become the person who knows I should be with my children, but have forgotten what it is to enjoy them.

And earlier I could get away with it. There would be big, wide gaping holes in our relationship and wouldn't really be picked up by the boys. But now, times are changing. Winkie is maturing emotionally and he is already at a point where he can stand and point a gentle, scolding finger at me, and tell me exactly what I am doing wrong and how I should be doing it right, and how many chances I have left to turn over a new leaf. And he already senses the differences of character between me and R, and is able to judge that for himself. Now that hurts. Because I never want to lose moral & emotional standing with my sons.

Things have not come to a head today, for me to write this....only the weight of my own conscience and self recrimination has gotten too strong. I want the simplicity of the truth in my life and on my side, even if it means crucifying my ego to the cause....and especially if it means crucifying my ego to the cause. Hard as it is for me to write and admit to all of this, I do so in a bid to severe the ties of guilt that had bound itself to me. Today, somehow the will to overcome this flaw has crept into my bones. The biggest step I am taking in this regard is to switch off the laptop for the better part of the day. I have worked out little time slots in which I can use it. And when its done, its off. This way I am not tempted to peep in everytime I see a new mail come in. Funnily enough, this is one of the biggest changes, for it will make its effect felt at different points of my day. Two, and this one is s*u*c*h a difficult one....to be patient. Such a general sort of aspiration, isn't it? But it isn't. Somehow, in a pleasant contrast to every other attempt I have made in the past, I have come to a point, where its not so hard anymore. Not all the time anyway. And certainly not when I pause to think. Its that pause that is crucial to patience. If you think to pause, you actually stand a chance to make it through to the next round. :)

And basically, that's all the funda I have collected for now. Will share more of my journey of reformation as we go along. This is one of the biggest reasons, I realise now, which has precluded me from attempting the "5 awesome things about me" tag, passed on by Sole. How can I list out 5 awesome things, when I feel so rotten about myself inside. My conscience will not permit it. But this confession of a sort, has appeased my Inner Voice, just a little, and it is being kind to me, and reminding me of my stronger points....the things which really do set me apart and help me rise to a greater height. So here I am....writing down 5 awesome things about me, trying desperately to set aside my own awkwardness at doing so, giving myself a fair chance, to shine, both to myself, and my sons. (Winkie and Thambi...I love you both so much....please always know that...somehow!)

1. I am very very honest to myself. My words on the outside might cover up a lot of things, but in the luxury of the quiet moments, in the peace of the night and in the light of the day.....I always always see the truth, exactly as it is, and accept it for myself, however painful it might be.

2. I always find something positive, in every situation. I always do. Give me any situation, and I will give you one shining thing about that, back.

3. I know how to reach out to people, with kindness. I am a very good counsellor and have an instinctive and warm approach to people and their problems. And that has helped me and them and us in many tangible ways.

4. I have a lot of enthusiasm for life and a very zesty appetite for it. And it is very infectious. When I am happy, the whole house happy. In many ways, I am the mover and the shaker of the house. Things happen, because of my involvement!

5. I have been a good daughter to my parents. I have always called home regularly and often enough, never hesitated to say I love you, always stepped in during a family crisis and tried to iron out all the creases that show up in the relationships around me. I am dependable that way.

There, I did it! Thanks Sole for passing this to me. I would have never considered doing it any other way. And doing it at a time like this, when I need to be the source of my own 'upper'. Its been true therapy!