This post, tho late is for posterity. And it covers, in some detail the day of Winkie's 6th birthday party.
A quick synopsis...the weather was perfect. Honestly, we couldn't have asked for a more gorgeous day or a lovelier setting. The food was awesome. The cake turned out pretty well and was delivered to us on time. Everyone who had promised to come, turned up on time. Winkie had a lovely time with all his band of little people. Yet, the only glitch, in our minds, was that they couldn't all stay longer. We had planned a ton of games and frolic which needed the maximum headcount possible. And when a couple had to leave, followed by more, this plan got washed down the drain. It set our spirits back quite a bit for a while, before we realised that the bottom line....that of Winkie having a good time, had already been accomplished. So that was all there was to it really. And on that note, ends this quick recap!
...words from an afternoon, from a time long ago, the then and now of it, hanging in the air like an unspoken sentence, between your father and I. the cycle is different, and you're bigger, but the smile is just the same. This is not to delve too much into sentiments....but just to share a slice of time which matched, with one in the past...and gave us pause...to smile.
There was a time when a fleeting image on a sonograph, effected a quick dip of spirits within me. A disappointment that a girl was not to be, in the second and last chance I gave myself. And its amazing how that one fleeting feeling never ever EVER resurrected itself again after that. Today, I have s*u*c*h a boy for a boy! At any given time, you can see him cooling off his heels, horizontal on the carpet, a line of cars parked neatly in a row, to be extracted one by one, ridden along an imaginary track and returned back place to await its turn once more, to be held by those sweet little fingers. Quiet and silently he plays, with not even the hum of their engines escaping his mouth, lost in how own tranquil world, commanded by his fingertips.
I peep over the breakfast bar, note this common scene of meditation, and quietly steal up behind him, the camera slung around my neck. One from the back. *click*. Walk around and one from the front. *click*. And just as I am about to walk back, he looks up, with not even an arch of his neck, but his eyes darting merrily my way......little devil that he is....knowing how to capture my heart to click one more time. *click*. The game is out into the open now, the trance broken, and he disengages from his pose and enters into my world, a wide open smile of welcome, with not a shred of irritation at my snapping up of his reverie. I smile back, say 'thank you', pat him gently and ask him to go back to his play. And with that same effortless ease, he switches back again, to his cars parked neatly in a row, taking the red out for a little spin...
We just got back last night from what we deem to be a very smooth road trip and a wonderful, invigorating seminar. There was information, insights, ideas, role plays, group exercises, presentations and plenty of interaction. And I cannot think of a better way to have spent the day without the kids. Rita and Robert Bruce are a very charming and adorable couple. And when she talks, she carries you right into her words, feelings, convictions. It comes straight from the heart and you are pierced with it.
You may wonder what they said that makes me feel this way. Well, it wasn't anything totally radical or never before heard. They were things that I knew deep inside, and you know deep inside, and we are all well aware of. Yet, when it comes from a couple who have lived through the experience of raising 4 kids, during the age of the television boom, and through drugs and alcoholism and divorce and you name it, you tend it see it in a new light. It carries a little more weight than before and strikes you in a way that can be wholly constructive. Some of the aspects of their talk that really impacted me, even thought I knew it, deep inside, were...
1. Parents are responsible for moulding the character of their children. We are r.e.s.p.o.n.s.i.b.l.e.
2. We are living in an age that is wholly different from that of our parents and grandparents. We are up against SO MANY INFLUENCES that can be negative to our children and our parenting strategies have to take stock of all those things. And no wonder, we are so stressed about it, and second guessing ourselves all the time, and reading all the books out there.
3. This is not a point that all of us will like, and I must admit, it hit me too....but, it emphasises that a mother's primary duty is to stay at home to raise her kids, with full and complete involvement. This is something, I will have to chew on a lot more in the days to come, and soul search a little. And this, coming at a point, where I was contemplating switching to longer hours at work, due to the possibility of career growth. I don't see myself giving up the job I have, but it is going to make me revisit all the other ways in which I manage my time, so I can be better available for all the needs of my boys, not so they can thank me at the end of 20 years, but so I can go to bed every night, tired and exhausted and fully content that I have done my duty.
4. Do not feed energy to negative behaviour from the kids. At moments like these, actions speak louder than words.
5. Discipline is Love. Its not something negative, or punitive...it is the very heart of Love. And so, the way it is doled out has to also resonate with that Love and good intention. (read : don't lose your temper). And this is just the very essence of parenting.
But more than all these little bullet points, what I learned is that it is all within me. Again, this is not something I didn't already know, for I have espoused that enough times here already, haven't I? God is within me, and so are His words of wisdom. I need to get better at tapping into this Source, more often, and all the time. I must remember and reflect in the way He parents me, and there I have the ready standard of how to be a parent to my children.
I didn't go in to this seminar and walk out, a person transformed. But I did I come away with abounding positive energy, a fresher perspective and with the full joy and pleasure of being a mother. I had been missing this feeling in me for a long time. Everything relating to the boys had become a chore, another thing to do in the string of daily jobs, before the clock struck 9:00 at night. A mechanical nature overtook the magic and the true joy. Yeah sure, from time to time, I took a good picture of a moment not to be missed and captured the essence of our bonds in a few words on this space, but that pulsing, throbbing feeling of just wanting to see them again, to scoop them in my arms, cover their faces with kisses and just be with them and their little talk....that was what I came away with. It so precious, isn't it?
And besides all the parenting related issues, it was wonderful to interact with a bunch of strangers with kids from preschool to college, all facing the exact same thing. Being in that room together, made us a family all unto our own, and differences melted away, not into nothingness, but into the combined harmony of a lot of laughter and love for the same Form of the Divine, and intentions for our children. Experiences like this and more teach me over and over again, that there is more that unites us than what separates us. One day, we will collectively realise this, and this consciousness has already begun in earnest.The people we stayed with, the ones we spoke to during the seminar, the ones who handed us food packets for the road, the ones who marvelled at our coming all the way from Chicago, everyone was so kind and wonderful. I know it all sounds so gushy gushy, but truly...its all so much of blessings being showered. You come away with so much of goodwill in your heart.
We initially had plans to return on Sunday morning, but decided that we felt fresh enough to make the drive back right after the seminar ended at 6:00. We picked up the boys, who had done marvellously in a stranger-babysitter's house, and who looked happy and excited to see us as well. After a quick stop at Dunkin's (which is a miracle which I will save up for the next post, perhaps), for our usuals, we hit the road in earnest. One by one, myself and the boys settled back to sleep, and R kept time with the music and reached us home safe early in the morning at 1:00 AM. The bed and home was the most welcoming place after that.
The picture above was taken en route. We'd stopped by a gas station with a good view of the road, to have our dinner from the food packet we had carried back. The sun had just set, the night was drawing high, the moon was up in a clear crescent and not a star in sight (which is why I felt compelled to brushstroke my way through some of those that you see in the picture). The boys were sitting on the truck while we fed one each....Thambi by his Dad, Winkie by me. They were happy, singing, clapping and just at peace with their world and us, which is what this weekend became all about!
So we're going on a roadtrip. No, its not a vacation, though it will very well feel like a vacation of sorts, after all the late nights we have both worked this past week. We are off to Cincinnati to attend a parenting conference...the SathyaSai parenting conference in particular. Its an all day one on Saturday.
If you're wondering about the boys, well, they will be completely taken care of. Arrangements have been made in a devotee's house for their babysitting. And considering they will be together, I am hoping it will go smooth for the person in-charge. :) Our own stay for 2 nights is also covered, in the home of another devotee. And this is what I love about the organisation. All your practical needs are met to full convenience, giving you the chance to focus on the task at hand. I am truly looking forward to the adult time, sans worry of kids, and meaningful discussions that may answer a lot of the doubts and questions in my head, and give me fresh perspective once more. Its amazing how often you need fresh perspective!
So there it is! We are back on Sunday afternoon, we're still not packed, for leaving by 1 PM today, so I'd better go! :)
It took a while in coming. The understanding. That living in bliss can be constant thing. Its not just the prerogative of saints and yogis. Nor a product of an aeon of time and effort and spiritual cleansing. It is possible within a single lifetime, and it is very much within reach. And when you have just a glimpse of that quiet and pulsing energy within you that keeps you so centered and calm and joyous, you realise that its actually very simple. Because it starts with Gratitude.
Gratitude for e.v.e.r.y l.i.t.t.l.e t.h.i.n.g that you have going in your life. I know there are always going to be periods of intense energy where there is so much of shift and movement of existing patterns,(read rocky road), and those are moments purely designed to give you an opportunity to cleanse your faith and allow it to sparkle its way through that intensity. But for the times, when normalcy is the norm, when it is only everyday routines that you face, gratitude is not that hard to inculcate. It starts off with the dawning of realisation from instances in life, that you are thankful for so many things. And for a while it seems to end there too. From time to time, the idea presents itself to you, the frequency few and far in between. Life happens in the interim, as it always does, carrying you in its ebbs and waves. And if your gratefulness has to be charted, it would look something like this...
Soon, that time lag lessens, and you are more in the Awareness of your own gratitude. And it assumes different forms. And its not always about just family, health, wealth, job, and so on. It tunes into the little things as well. Like the spring blooms, the summer warmth, the lush showering rains, the cool winds that strip you of everything that is in excess.
A lot more life happens en route. But there is a marked change in your attitude by now. Wisdom has been born, perspective is its outcome. And slowly, slowly, from a macro view of the gratitude spectrum, you recede into the micro...and start feeling thankful for EVERYTHING....The wonderful faces of welcome of dear colleagues who perk up when they see you, the little bird that quickly flies across the road, very close to your approaching car, deftly and daintily flying out of its way, the little idea of a fast lunch that came to you, when there was only 45 minutes to go from start to finish, the quick idea from your wardrobe, helping you decide in a minute on what to wear to work, when it could have otherwise been another stress point in the mode of getting out the door on time; the enforced slow pace that life suddenly takes when you walk (not run) both kids to their respective destinations, knowing that this is a moment to be stretched and enjoyed lazily, and not in a blur of movement and worry; that green signal that held out for you until the moment your car made it through its boundary; your car itself, faithfully keeping you safe, day in and day out, getting you to where you want to go, and following your every command, even the aggressive, hasty ones; the smile of all those strangers who decide they want to look you in the eye and acknowledge your passing presence.....
This form of Gratitude is what constitutes Bliss. Because then...what you're saying is a 'Thank you' ALL THE TIME…with the instances of gratefulness coming so close together, fast and flowing, washing and coursing, carrying you in its wake. The world around continues as before, the mad things getting madder if possible, but within you is the River of Bliss, with never the fear of a drought, but always the possibility of a flood, if you want to tap into it.
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank YouThank You Thank You Thank YouThank You Thank You Thank You!
...your heart sings, in a steady smooth prayerful litany, goose pimples speckle your arms and your soul sees the Light!
Two years ago, I sat in this same spot, on this very same side of the sofa, while you slept upstairs, waiting to welcome your new day and your brand new year. Somehow, your 4th birthday is a landmark event for me. Because I was just so into it for you, and we lived it up kingsize.
This whole last year has been such a blur. The highlight events were that you started Kindergarten in big school. And laid aside every single one of my fears about how you would go about it. In your own, muted, soft spoken (only in school), quiet, cheery kind of way, you have aced through school, and now already stand at the end of one successful year, all set to enjoy the summer ahead. You have made friends, my love, in all shapes, sizes and colours, and I love that about you. You have loved going to school every single day of this year. You have brought home artwork after artwork, which used to excite me immensely at first, and which I learnt to look over with a practiced eye to determine, which were the real masterpieces to keep, and which ones to stealthily sneak into the recycle bin.
Another set of highlights of this past year, has been that your aunt and uncle have each gotten married in turn and we were lucky enough to be present for both weddings. How you enjoyed both those trips and understood, in some measure, what a wedding was and what it meant for the 2 people being bound by it. You have grown attached to so many of our family members, and shown your affectionate side. They have also seen your more complex, difficult side and been challenged by it many a times.
A wonderful outcome of this past year is the blossoming buds of your relationship with your Thambi. How you two have given the word 'cute' a new spin! And how you two have made me understand what having a sibling really means. That in addition to the caring, and the sharing of the love and attention of 2 adults, it is about so much more....it is the crisscrossing of 2 separate paths, over and over again, the invasion of space innumerable times, the resolving of all the issues that crop up as a result of the whiplash of ego, and the need to breathe in the same air, where just a moment ago, the battlelines were drawn! The relationship that you two share is not the stuff of hallmark cards, but it is something that gives both me and your father, great joy, and greater irritation! So just make sure you give us enough time off referee duty every once a while! :)
And then it comes to us. You and us. And a subset of that....you and me. Honestly sweetheart, and you know this just as much as I do....we have not had that good a year together. We have really been at cross purposes with each other most of the time, and there have been so many misunderstandings between us. Looking back, I think about how easily I could have sidestepped all those landmines of our relationship, but I know that it doesn't work that way in the moment. You have always been an enigma to me, my dear one. You have. I have always felt that I have never quite gotten the essence of you.....that part of you that I know can be drawn out of you, given the maximum conducive opportunities. But on the other hand, I am happy to say that at least one of us isn't that clueless. Your father, with his sense of patience, and keener observation, understands and shares little pearls about your personality....and when I hear them from him, I feel like it was all such a simple picture. You are *such* a model of simplicity and straightness, and I am the one seeing you in zigzag lines, because I just go too fast with you. I don't slow down enough. I don't breathe as deeply as I should, and I huff and puff too much, without any necessity.
You are a very simple soul my sweet little son....and you have such a store of wisdom and intuitiveness in you. Your choice of words for some of the more complex thoughts you want to express is razor sharp in its accuracy and pierces the very core of my heart, such that in one split second, I can see the far reaching consequences of the peculiarities of our relationship. I know this is all getting too cryptic....but this is just a recap of the place we are at right now.
At the end, all that I really want to say is that I love you. And I love every little bit about you. I love your shyness in a crowd, I love the softness of your smile, I love the gentleness of your hand, when you want to be tender in your love, I love the hurt in your voice and the spilling tears in your eyes when you feel misunderstood, I love that little gap in your lower jaw, where you lost that tooth some weeks ago. I love how smart you looked today with your white flowery shirt and brown shorts and white canvas shoes, with a hint of red peeking out of the sockline. I love that you are having your first official crush in your life, and hope that I can be as accepting in the future to come. I love that you never forget to plug in your Spongebob nightlight every night, or that you remember to wear your watch every morning, before school/camp. I love that I don't love how you waste some part of your lunch everyday, because it makes me feel like such a mother! I love to see you lost in the pages of a book, tucked into a corner of the sofa, quiet and absorbed.
So that's all there is to it...I love you. And I am grateful beyond any words, to the Lord, that he has given me this exact mix of everything sweet, simple, complex, shy, stubborn, teary, skinny,wise, discerning, reflecting, oft selfish, lazy, scared of the dark bundle of a boy, to call my son....my very own. And much as I can resolve to be a better version of my current self, I just want you to know....that I will always try. I will never give up trying...to be the kind of mother that I want to be. Not the textbook kind, with ever a kind word and a smile....but just the sort that can always persevere to give you the kind of respect you deserve.
Here's to the beginning of our seventh year, my kanna. Together, let us make it count!
Always and forever,
Your mother in the role currently accorded to me...and the very part of you, in the very scheme of existence.
R & I have a thing for tall trees. Give us a tree lined avenue, tall trees on either side, a path in between, a slow breeze, light filtering through the branches, and a birdsong or two and we are in sensory heaven. And maybe this is one of the biggest reasons why we ended up with the location we did for Winkie's 6th birthday bash!
The venue is a picnic shelter by the Fox River. The day is tomorrow. The invite reads...join us for some picnic fun, down by the river and out in the sun. So if you're anywhere in the area and have a bit of time, I hope you'll care to join us here...
The forecast promises a high of 76 and slightly cloudy but otherwise clear skies. Food is a traditional South Indian menu topped off with ice-cream cones. Which brings me to the cake. Winkie wanted the Cars theme. And at first, we had a bit of a dampener when we found out that my favorite cake decorator in the planet, could not be involved this time, and moreover, could not join us for the party this time, due to prior commitments. The world almost seemed to stop in its tracks just then, before we managed to recover enough to think of other options. So we did find another cake decorator, and she has promised to deliver by 11:00 AM tomorrow. Since we didn't have prior experience with her capabilities, we thought of keeping it very very simple and standard. No fancy customisations, no over the top ideas etc etc. But can we ever stop at that, when it comes to birthday cake???
So geared by our own restlessness to contribute at least something to the cake design, we stopped by the trusty google and found a base design that was appealing, and which kickstarted a whole round of thinking, which had R dashing for a paper and colour pencils and viola!
The specifications were:
1. Black road in the shape of a 6 (which she would make out of crushed oreos...yumm!!)
2. Red lining for the road and the top surface and base edges of cake.
3. Remaining space to be filled in with green for the countryside, and lots of sprinkles along the border of the 6, to show the crowds. :))
4. Black and white checks around the sides (she was going to use minimal black fondant for those).
5. A flag at the beginning of the '6' saying 'START' and at the end saying 'FINISH'.
6. A little bit of white on the 6 to show the smoke coming out of McQueen.
7. We would supply the actual McQueen.
So at this point, pending some of the shopping for the paper goods and other extras, we are pretty much set for the big day tomorrow, which is one day short of his actual birthday on the 15th. I hope it will be good. Please hope so too. :)
Its been a while, hasn't it? :D I know I know...sorry for all the silence. I have been getting a couple of nudges that I thought it was about time I explained myself.
Well, for the past 2 weeks, I have been very involved in a special project that is close to my heart. I will not write about it here, because it belongs more on Jiva to Atma. But I have just so much to share and so much to internalise and absorb and I just want to hug it close to myself for a bit longer.
So much happening with Winkie and Thambi too. Today happens to be Winkie's last official 1 hour of school, and I am waiting for him to get back, before I drop him off to summer camp, where he will be going for the next 2 months. Once again, the winds of change are blowing, and gears are shifting, and a new universe seems to have opened up in front of us, which we have to spend some time navigating around and not get lost in the spiralling sense of time and space.
So....upshot....I will write in again very soon, because there is simply too much to share with all of you and your thoughts to read back and savour. So...until then! :)
This post, tho late is for posterity. And it covers, in some detail the day of Winkie's 6th birthday party.
A quick synopsis...the weather was perfect. Honestly, we couldn't have asked for a more gorgeous day or a lovelier setting. The food was awesome. The cake turned out pretty well and was delivered to us on time. Everyone who had promised to come, turned up on time. Winkie had a lovely time with all his band of little people. Yet, the only glitch, in our minds, was that they couldn't all stay longer. We had planned a ton of games and frolic which needed the maximum headcount possible. And when a couple had to leave, followed by more, this plan got washed down the drain.
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