When we holidayed in Chennai last summer, we had a chance to observe what we thought was something new about Thambi. You will understand why I use that phrase, when you read on. Without any inputs from our end to identify, he would greet all the God pictures around the home with an immediate coming together of his hands, in a silent pranam. We enjoyed this trait of his very much. And in every home we went to, he could spot these kind of pictures right away and give his due respect. What was really surprising to us was how he spotted the divine forms, right through the more modern looking pictures...the stylised, artsy ones, the ones with minimal strokes and embellishments, the glass paintings, the embossed ones on foil, everything. No matter if it bore very little representation to the more traditional figures, he still knew.
I am reminded of this now because of something that happened more recently.
He prefers and insists on eating his meals by himself and we let him. Only, 5 minutes later, a glass of water is asked for and then begins the typical game of watering down your meals and dunking your food into the cup and then eating ittype of activity, which ends up way more messy than we like it to. The other day, we were too tired and hungry to protest as he dipped his fingers in to the cup of water. We watched him warily out of the corner of our eyes, preparing to step in if it got out of hand. What followed was something we will never forget. He sprinkled the water on his food, going in a circular motion around his plate. Then he dipped his fingers in again and sprinkled again, one more time and then one more, thus a total of 3 times in all. Then he daintily set aside his cup, dug in with his spoon and began to eat. Me and R looked at each other, dumbstruck. How did he figure out to do that? And that too 3 times?
Explanation : It is a brahmin custom, once a boy has had his thread ceremony, initiating him into the brahmin way of life, to do this little ritual of water and circling it around his food, before beginning to eat. Its a way of invoking the divine grace to bless the food he is about to eat. He has been doing this a couple of times now. And its amazing to watch each time.
And of course there is the coincidental fact that I am reading Many Lives, Many Masters, right now and that gives me a clearer understanding of how all these things can play out. How impressions from past lives can filter through and find expressions in your current life. Its easy to see how it all fits in when viewed from this broader perspective.
Initially whenever he looked at the picture of SaiBaba, he learnt to identify him and called him Thai Baba, which is just as apt, if you ask me. And then suddenly, one day, out of the blue, he pointed to a photograph and said Baby Thai Baba. We were puzzled about the baby, and wondered what he saw. If only we could have had the gift of his vision for a few seconds, we might have been able to glimpse what visions of innocence the Lord afforded him. For now, we have to take his word on it!
I recollect with affection, the sound of his little voice ringing out strong and clear, as we chanted the Gayathri at the Sai Center last Sunday. Each and every one of those 9 times that we chanted it, he joined us, his baby voice starting just 2 seconds earlier in a clear Om, and stretching the prajodayat...a few seconds longer and saying it in the clear vedic version of the chant....prajodayaaaaatu. I couldn't see him then, for he sat on R's lap, but I heard his earnest voice and felt the sincerity of his soul, as he innocently joined in the chant that he was so familiar with.
All of this makes me want to dwell a little on the way he approaches music. How his whole body instantly stills, every pore and cell alert to the vibration, the melody, his eyes glazing over, achieving a certain faraway look, his whole persona radiating a silent bliss. He certainly has a deep connection with music, and a keen ear for it. I only have to sing a bhajan once or twice and the third time, we are singing in unison. All that's stopping him from a full blown perfect rendition are those neural connections in his brain that produces language as we know it. Otherwise, its all there, intact, coming from a place deep down, from eons past, from experiences that I can only guess at. I don't know the details of his past, but I am thankful for these little pearls of inputs that give me a nudge to the direction I should take in helping him shape his future.....by giving him a chance to explore these newly unearthed aspects of his delightful personality!
Another very challenging month has just begun for us. R once again finds himself embroiled in some serious deadlines. Which means he is working round the clock, breaking only to join us for dinner for an hour. Then we see very little of him, even though he is right at home. Weekends will also go by in this manner, most likely. I am not complaining. I would be ungrateful to complain. Yet I am sad for the state which we find ourselves in. This world. Work culture has rapidly changed. When I hear the amount of hours some people are forced to put in, it seems like direct human rights violations to me. Where then, is the time for family? For leisure? For exchanging a smile? Some news? No wonder our family structures are crumbling. There is not enough time for family. There is not enough time for kids. Kids, who need us NOW, more than ever, in this complex maze of a world. We do not have ample time to stay in touch with friends. Not with a personal touch anyway. And the kind of heart to heart exchange that is the essence of sharing, happens maybe once in a blue moon. Sometimes, birthdays are forgotten, and even belated wishes become rare. Everywhere, all you hear is this one line and its many variations...Life is so busy. I should know. I am more than guilty of it myself.
Once in a while, I just get so very tired of it all. Everything just builds up to boiling point, and I don't erupt...but I let it all spill over. I want to face the reality that is all around and see it just as it is...without any rose tinted glasses and the effort of a positive vision. I want to give it a rest just for a little bit, and just dream of a better world. Where countries are just sufficient within their own selves, providing ample opportunities for the people living within them to meet their basic needs comfortably. Where greed can somehow reverse itself and the bottom line wouldn't always be about money. Where families can learn to live together and enjoy the richness of togetherness and being a unit that is part of a whole. Where coming to work would be an extension of that unit...the same feeling of family somehow pervading that professional space, making it a personal one. Where, travel didn't cost so much, and was completely environment friendly, and all that free time left over after work could be made use of to discover the world...to discover all the things that unite us, among all the diversity, to have cultural exchanges and midnight bonfires and enchanting Maori music for instance. Where we can just enjoy, in simple, non destructive ways, the life were were put on earth to lead.
What triggered this post, you may wondered....I wondered too...for a long time yesterday, knowing that something was niggling at me ever since I came back home from a farm I had to be at for some accounting. There was a huge backyard, a small swimming pool, tall trees, overgrown grass, horses in their sheds, 3 dogs bounding all around, birds tweeting loudly, and the splash of the water as one of the children jumped into the pool, letting out a loud shriek. That scene settled deep into my bones and is responsible for this huge sigh of a post....for this is what summer is supposed to be about. Of dropping your cares and being one with the many. And this is exactly what the summer of our existence is supposed to be about.
So please....join me, for my sake, if not for yours....and tell me your vision for a beautiful world...together with our combined sighs, it just might happen!
This has tobe one of my favorite family videos and Winkie's too. He starts giggling the moment it comes on and starts laughing uncontrollably the minute he sees Thambi's head peep out!
R is a patient man. He is an even more patient father. I don't know how he does it, but he does. Things that have me all keyed up in a matter of seconds, will leave him unfazed for the most part. He always maintains a steady, even tone of voice. He can explain a point a 100 times before the first sign of impatience creeps in. And even then, you will not see him losing a breath. Of course there are times when he gets angry/irritated/impatient too. And all it takes at times like these are a slight raising of the tone of his voice, a slightly cold expression, and the boys take immediate notice. Heck, I do too! I am not trying to make him out to be a saint...but this is such an important character trait of his that wins over the boys everytime. I can see how much they love being around him, and talking to him, and roughhousing. Me, on the other hand. Well...I have admitted often enough times on this blog, how I am everything that is not patience and calm and grace, most times, though I guess a lot of you don't believe that. Or maybe you do and are still being nice to me about it. :)
The reason why I write all this....ah, if only we could be that obvious to ourselves all the time! There's a muddle of thoughts in my head about this, and it has come up often enough times for my introspection, and I just want to get it all out. The fact is, while it is wonderful to have a sort of role model in the house, one that I can always look up to as standard for my own behavior, its not always easy. One, the ego repels at such nobility of being, and scoffs at it, and tries to write it off thinking....he doesn't spend the whole day with them! But I know, that's not fair or true. He can spend a whole day with them doing the physical caring for them, and I know he might be even more tired than me at the end of the day, even crabby perhaps, but he would not lose the grace to show it in an acceptable manner. His voice will not reach the high pitch, his actions will still be patient and nurturing, and he would do everything he could to do the most he can. He would sacrifice himself. That's just who he is.
And that's just not who I am. I am a little more selfish. I started off really well, especially, when Winkie was young. I think I did my best to be a good mother to him then. I taught him things actively, I spent time with him and I gave myself a burnout on some days. But over time, with blogging, and the discovery of a whole host of other interests, I have slowly but steadily, given those things a little bit more importance in my life, in the name of self preservation, not understanding, that in the long run, they were actually eroding the finer points of me, because of not being able to strike the right balance. I took care of all their physical needs, I cooked fresh meals all the time and made sure they were not hungry, but the real activity of being with them, enjoying their company and nurturing their innermost needs was being lost to me. It happened only in spurts of enthusiasm, not on a consistent, daily basis. Slowly, and over time, I have become the person who knows I should be with my children, but have forgotten what it is to enjoy them.
And earlier I could get away with it. There would be big, wide gaping holes in our relationship and wouldn't really be picked up by the boys. But now, times are changing. Winkie is maturing emotionally and he is already at a point where he can stand and point a gentle, scolding finger at me, and tell me exactly what I am doing wrong and how I should be doing it right, and how many chances I have left to turn over a new leaf. And he already senses the differences of character between me and R, and is able to judge that for himself. Now that hurts. Because I never want to lose moral & emotional standing with my sons.
Things have not come to a head today, for me to write this....only the weight of my own conscience and self recrimination has gotten too strong. I want the simplicity of the truth in my life and on my side, even if it means crucifying my ego to the cause....and especially if it means crucifying my ego to the cause. Hard as it is for me to write and admit to all of this, I do so in a bid to severe the ties of guilt that had bound itself to me. Today, somehow the will to overcome this flaw has crept into my bones. The biggest step I am taking in this regard is to switch off the laptop for the better part of the day. I have worked out little time slots in which I can use it. And when its done, its off. This way I am not tempted to peep in everytime I see a new mail come in. Funnily enough, this is one of the biggest changes, for it will make its effect felt at different points of my day. Two, and this one is s*u*c*h a difficult one....to be patient. Such a general sort of aspiration, isn't it? But it isn't. Somehow, in a pleasant contrast to every other attempt I have made in the past, I have come to a point, where its not so hard anymore. Not all the time anyway. And certainly not when I pause to think. Its that pause that is crucial to patience. If you think to pause, you actually stand a chance to make it through to the next round. :)
And basically, that's all the funda I have collected for now. Will share more of my journey of reformation as we go along. This is one of the biggest reasons, I realise now, which has precluded me from attempting the "5 awesome things about me" tag, passed on by Sole. How can I list out 5 awesome things, when I feel so rotten about myself inside. My conscience will not permit it. But this confession of a sort, has appeased my Inner Voice, just a little, and it is being kind to me, and reminding me of my stronger points....the things which really do set me apart and help me rise to a greater height. So here I am....writing down 5 awesome things about me, trying desperately to set aside my own awkwardness at doing so, giving myself a fair chance, to shine, both to myself, and my sons. (Winkie and Thambi...I love you both so much....please always know that...somehow!)
1. I am very very honest to myself. My words on the outside might cover up a lot of things, but in the luxury of the quiet moments, in the peace of the night and in the light of the day.....I always always see the truth, exactly as it is, and accept it for myself, however painful it might be.
2. I always find something positive, in every situation. I always do. Give me any situation, and I will give you one shining thing about that, back.
3. I know how to reach out to people, with kindness. I am a very good counsellor and have an instinctive and warm approach to people and their problems. And that has helped me and them and us in many tangible ways.
4. I have a lot of enthusiasm for life and a very zesty appetite for it. And it is very infectious. When I am happy, the whole house happy. In many ways, I am the mover and the shaker of the house. Things happen, because of my involvement!
5. I have been a good daughter to my parents. I have always called home regularly and often enough, never hesitated to say I love you, always stepped in during a family crisis and tried to iron out all the creases that show up in the relationships around me. I am dependable that way.
There, I did it! Thanks Sole for passing this to me. I would have never considered doing it any other way. And doing it at a time like this, when I need to be the source of my own 'upper'. Its been true therapy!
I really love it when someone I know, and moreover someone who knows me and my bent of bind, brings up the name of a book saying...You must read it. YOU would love it. I love it, because I know they have sensed something in that book that matches to something vital in me, and I want to discover it too. There was a time when I diligently read book reviews and googled to see which books I could read next, but now I go purely by such strong recommendations alone. A few months ago, I had the good fortune of reading 2 such amazing books. Let me write about them here, in case it connects to something vital in you as well...
Forever LilybyBeth Nonte Russell
This came recommended to me by a dear friend of mine from Mumbai. We were acquainted in college, promptly lost touch after that. Lots of life happened in between and thanks for Facebook and Friend Finders, and Common Friends, we got on to each other's lists. And even after that, there wasn't much correspondence. Until one fine day, all barriers were broken and we really got back in touch. So this recommendation is special to me because it comes from a friend, who is wise and an old soul, and intensely strong.
It details the journey of a mother to the adoption of a baby in China. Only, she didn't set out to be a mother. She was in fact, accompanying her neighbour and friend, who was to be the one doing the adopting. But she chickens out the minute she sees the baby. Something about the way the baby looks triggers her negative response and makes her pull back from the child. And her friend, has to step in to care for the child, and she loves her the minute she sees her. She is magnetically drawn to this baby and she cannot understand why. Alternating with the main story on the adoption experience, is the author's concurrent vivid dreams of an earlier life, in which she was Chinese. These dreams play out in story form, and without spelling in as many words, tell you even before the author declares it, that she and this child have a very strong karmic connection that goes way back into their mutual pasts. The author is an evolved soul who is very much in tune with her own vibrations and instincts. Every page is full of a range of emotion that plays out. The aftermath of her dreams, her intense love for this child, the way the baby begins to bond with her, the way her friend keeps swinging from wanting the child to rejecting the child (that makes your blood seethe), the uncertainty as to which way she will finally swing, the reactions of the author's husband when he finds out she wants to come home with the baby, the description of those desolate orphanages in rural China where many such babies lie uncared for in their wooden cribs...making you want to pick them all up one by one and give them your warmth....and the climax to the final pages, where you don't quite know which way things will go, and will it all work out from the point of view of complicated adoption-transference procedures....its all quite a ride! Eat Pray LovebyElizabeth Gilbert
*sigh*. Its not often that you come across a book like this. Because it is one of those lifetime books that you read....the one that you will go back to, time and again, depending on which stage of life you are at.
Sole introduced me to this book and how! There was a kind of urgency in her which said that I must read the book and with no further delays. I owe her hugely for this excellent recommendation. To call it a recommendation seems to take away from the personality of this book, which is Eat Pray Love. Because, it is in effect, a journey that we all make...perhaps not from country to country like the author did, but from well within our hearts and souls!
The author has just undergone the ravages of a divorce, and worse still, the rebounding love affair with some disastrous consequences for her life. And somewhere in the middle of all this drama, one night, on the bathroom floor, with sobs wracking her body, she called out to God...and He responded. That was the beginning of their relationship. Not that she got into the soul talk right away....but it was the first real glimmer of hope in the darkness that she found herself surrounded with. And it is perhaps this spark that helped her to get up, and plan for a 1 year hiatus from her life. And off she went, first to Italy, then India and then Indonesia (Bali) to recharge herself. One might wonder curiously at her choice of countries...well Italy was an obvious choice to her, because she wanted to learn Italian (a language she was irresistibly drawn to), and eat lots of pasta. Here, she learned to live alone, and underwent the first stages of the detoxification from the emotional crutches she had been leaning on all this while. She made some interesting friends, learnt the language she loved so much and ate lots and lots of pasta. 4 months here and she was ready to move on.
India came next because of its strong spiritual pull. And after 4 months of initial healing, it was time to confront the demons of her existence. She headed to her Guru's ashram somewhere close to Mumbai, and lived within its boundaries and walls for the next 4 months, conforming to its routines and rigours, and spiritual practices, meeting people of deathless humour and compassion and truly finding the essence of herself once more. 4 lines in a paragraph are woefully inadequate to touch upon this part of her life, which I enjoyed reading the most. All and ever word falls short of the journey that was this time. So I hope you will do me the favour of picking up the book and experiencing it for yourselves.
Bali comes last because she considered it the place where people had perfected the art of balancing pleasure with spirituality. And it was part of a promise she made to a medicine man that she would return, when she had last been there. I was fascinated with the history and accounts of Bali along these lines. She manages to touch upon magic that is Bali as well as the things that draw back from it. She makes new friends, finds new love, and discovers how to live life balancing all the things that are innate in her.
Its a journey of coming full circle that has something for everyone. It has that delectable touch of being a memoir, and you relate keenly to her life, because she writes it with such humour and laughter at her own self. In many instances, it is indeed you she is talking about, and she has this intense friendliness that draws you intimately into the circle of her life. Eat Pray Love is a very very special book for me, and I cannot begin to say how much it has touched me and moved me and changed me. While the title itself is symbolic from the point of view of tracing the sequence of the journey that her life underwent in that one year, to me it also spoke of something else...another sequence that is natural and flowing, and in fact, one that we do everyday. Eat means consuming, intaking, inputting. Pray indicates the digestion of all these elements, the processing within, the introspection of all that was taken in. And Love. Love is that final final outcome. The result of all that was taken in and internalised. The flow of triumph at the end. The effect on her soul which she is finally able to share and express and give to everyone.
Don't miss this journey of this woman. She will want you taking one of your own!
***************
Do you have any recommendations for me? Knowing my interests, and bent of mind and aspirations, do you want to recommend something that could be an intrinsic part of my journey? Please do let me know....I would love to know what you would pick for me!
I have understood a bit about pure love in these last few days. About what it is. What it feels like, and how it can happen. And more importantly, why we need it. For this is the sort of love that is above and beyond any other emotion you can have ever felt. It confers the deepest joy, the biggest high, and the loftiest happiness of the spirit, and the most intense goodwill. It is so alive and remarkable with everything divine, that all possible words can be used to express it, as also none at all. In an instant, it glues every fabric of your life together, and you know what your purpose in life is....to love some more like that....and some more.
So what is this pure Love? .........Pure love, or real love, or simply love (because there can be only one kind)...is love without condition, cause, qualifier, ebbs, reason. It is there because it just is.
Usually when we love someone, we always love them for a reason...an attribute, a quality, a blood relationship, a good deed done our way, due to a strong past unattributable past life connection, and at the end of it all....just out of pure habit...because we've always loved them. And while all these forms of love, are beautiful unto their own, they cannot be complete so long as those reasons continue to exist within us. For love to be Love, it has to be free and stand alone on its own...with nothing else to hold it aloft. Reasons to love and not love, must vanish and leave Love on its own, to shine through, its own utter radiance. That is the love that we were put on this earth to aspire for and realise.
And the reason why every other form of love, or rather shade of love, pales in comparison...is because of the reasons. Because reasons will never be permanent. Change is its nature, and change will come and sway reason....shaking it once and for all, or at least, every once in a while, reminding you of the impermanence that is around you, when there are strings attached. When there are reasons to love, there will be change to those reasons, and when there is change, the very bulwark of that love has been challenged. So what is left then? Nothing. Nothing but an empty hollowness and yet another question of discontent, added to the string of the ones before it, asking....Why? Why does this have to happen?Why me? Why?
" Love withers under constraints: its very essence is liberty. ~ Shelley "
And as simple as the question is, the answer is even simpler. It has to be that way....to nudge you away from your mistakes, and urge you to seek again, this time a little wiser from the traumas of disappointment. Several repeated cycles of this, and the ensuing inevitable disillusionment, and wisdom has added many many layers to your being, and the unfailing conclusion of wisdom is compassion. Compassion for yourself, for the ways and means of life, and most of all for the ones who walk with you as companions, of both positive and negative vibrations. A compassion that does not hold onto reasons as much as before, and one that treats you kindly when you hurt again. And you begin to see everyone as a unique spark, all unto their own, struggling with their own sets of reasons and disappointments, caught in their own loops of these 2 synchronous cycles. In these vast differences that house us all into different bodies and experiences, you begin to see THAT ONE BEAUTIFUL THREAD that binds us all in this shared experience of life. And you Love again. You learn to love yourself through the highs and the lows, and you learn to love everyone else. Reasons have already begun to make their way out of your ego state and you have a glimpse of love, standing on its own, needing no crutches, and for just a flash, you doubt whether it can withstand it.
And this is that point, that beautiful, liberating point, where you rush to the aid of love, to bolster it, because that is how you have always been programmed, right before the beginning of Creation. With a lot of the dust and the cobwebs of your own deep imprints now brushed away, with the smooth oil of all your life experiences lubricating all the parts to function without noise, the original program can now run to its full command and to its final triumph....where you love, for the sake of Love alone.
We have a plan for tomorrow. A 2 hour 33 minute plan. One that involves leaving the boys at Kumari Aunty's place and taking off on our own. We did this once before, 2 weeks back, for 3 hours and 0 minutes. Then, we rode our bikes and went on a 6 mile jaunt on our favorite trail, as a warm up run for when we can do it with the boys. That was the reason we gave ourselves to get over the teensy weensy guilt of leaving them behind on a weekend.
This weekend, we have no such guilt. The fever over Harry Potter 6 is at least a 103 and has left us in a delirium of excitement. Well, I am the one that's super excited and R is indulgently excited. So, for 2 hours and 33 minutes from 10 AM tomorrow, that's where we hope to be, sweating out our fever.
When we knew HP6 was due for release in July, we made use of a whole weekend in to prep ourselves for it. How you may wonder! We rented all the whole series from 1-5 and watched it back to back. We caught up on all the spells and incantations. We understood the intricacies of the plot, and bonded with the characters all over again...so that when we finally watched HP 6, it would be a complete, wholesome, aware experience. I have counted down through most of the days following this. May ended and June came. Come middle of the month and I was giddy with excitement at the thought that it was just another month away. Come July, and I could have swooned from the weak knees. And thus finally, we are down to the last 24 hours.
My workplace is minutes away from the local Showplace and I have to pass by it everyday to go to pick up Thambi. Yesterday, I was at a traffic light bang opposite to the complex, the hallowed grounds just before me, yards away, asking me to drive straight in, instead of making a turn to the left like I usually do. And I almost did. In thoughts of vivid detail, in those 30 seconds that I waited for the red to turn green, I had driven straight in, bought myself a ticket before the count of 10, switched off my cellphone and lost myself to the pleasure of the next 2 hrs, 33 min. Then the light turned green. And my feet, with a will quite separate from my mind, hit the gas and my hands steered the wheels to the left. And the trance ended. And I am glad, for there is no way I would want to watch this without my favorite HP fan by my side. When I told him of my craziness, he said so sweetly that I could go and watch it then if I wanted to so badly. This should be point no. 6 on that last tag post of mine. :)
I'll survive. 24 hours will be a glorious and fitting finale to the whole experience, not to mention the movie itself which I read is getting good reviews!
Its not his birthday. Neither is it our anniversary. Father's Day was a whole month back. And yet, this post is about him, and a highlight of some of the wonderful things he does that makes my life so much better. It comes in the form of a tag from dear Sole, and I will write it in the spirit of an ode to a wonderful man...
God
Point no. 1 should be very obvious really. The fact that we can walk hand in hand in our spiritual path. What's interesting is that he was the one who actively led me into the path, by signing me up for the daily Sai Inspires email. He would talk to me about those emails everyday, and that's how my own commitment activated. I am forever indebted to him for this.
Birth
In much the same way, he was the one who helped me to commit to the idea of a natural birth when I was pregnant with Thambi. Till that point, I was dilly dallying because of my fears. But he read the Bradley book even before I was finished with it, and told me one fine day...that I was either in or out. That was the turning point of my own resolve to commit to a natural birth, as much as was within my power to. And thanks to that, and his amazing support to me during those highly intense and nerve wracking 36 hours, and divine grace, one of my biggest desires was fulfilled.
Disney
In the first year of our marriage, a little before Christmastime, R's project at work just got over. And he was due to begin the next only with the new year. And so, in order to make those last 10 days of the year meaningful and fun, he planned us a Disney vacation. To this day, it is one of the most magical holidays we have ever taken together. We were still relative newlyweds and young at that, and Disneyworld was every bit as magical for us, as it would be to any child that goes there for the first time. And we didn't fly, we took a roadtrip. All 1200 miles of it. I will always love him for taking the initiative for it!!
June
Pretty much all of this last June, I was intensely involved in the booklet projects. I was working into the wee hours of each morning, and using every second of spare time I had to finish them as per schedule. In the last couple of days, I was on such a time crunch. And that's when he stepped in and literally took over all my household responsibilities and managed the kids completely so they stayed out of my way. In addition, he kept my energy up with a constant flow of encouragement and looking over my shoulders to see how I was doing. The very luxury of being able to solely focus on my work is something I really owe him for.
Everything
This is more of a general point, but it captures the full essence of who he is. And he is the guy who is content to remain in the background to let you have your full space in the spotlight. Granted, that some of it is due to his own reticence, but he takes genuine pride in my successes and high points, and gives me full freedom to preen about it, without ever taking me down a peg or two for it. He is always happy to have me be the front runner of the family, while he is the one who quietly keeps us all afloat. Which is why it is easy to think of this song and these lines, when I think of him...
I can fly higher than an eagle, 'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
[Thank you Sole....for sending my way a direct opportunity to think and remember the moments of a quiet, unassuming hero.]
If you had to write a letter to Life itself, what would it be?
This is the thought that struck me one day. And I was just to taken with it and really curious to see what I would have to say in such a letter...and so, I put pen to paper, finger to keyboard, grey cell to the crazy 'L'_ _ _, and this is what I came up with....
I don't know if you are a Mr. or a Miss, so will leave out the prefix and let you be as you are.
Its funny. I think about you often. I refer to you a lot in conversation. I look forward to you in so many ways. And sometimes, I wonder many mornings, what you are all about. And yet, this is the first time I am writing a letter to you. I know all of us tend to use your name very lightly, when we cannot, for the _ _ _ _ of us remember something (*polite titters*)...but now that I have rememberd and admit that you are an important part of _ _ _ _,there must be no further delay in this vital communication.
And first and foremost, I want to thank you. Thank you for being the force that moves my body everyday. Thank you for all the things you have taken unto yourself and personalised for me...those things that are part of my _ _ _ _. I realise you do this for everybody... carry the load of all the elements we choose to fill you with and all our incumbent judgements about you, and for that I am grateful, now consciously, more than ever.
I feel a little sorry for you when I think about how judged you are. Imagine this. Most conversation opens with an...how is _ _ _ _? question. And you invariably get tagged with an immediate adjective, then and there....labelled according to the heat of that moment. It sucks, I should think. So please accept my empathy for you, and my solemn word, that I will not use you so lightly anymore, nor without due thought and positive affirmation.
Moving on....
I notice how you and your close counterpart Mr. Time (yes I know for sure he is a Mister....it seems like the only way to be), have this on again off again kind of relationship, though most of the time, he seems to be the dominant force in your association. Are you two really friends? How did you get acquainted? Did you meet at a party? :) Why does he always rush so much? And why are you always keeping up? I know for a fact that if you tried, just tried, you could be the one calling all the shots, and he could be the one dancing to your tunes. I can't, for the _ _ _ _ of me understand why you don't exercise your control more often!
Okay..wait...don't answer that! I know what you're going to say. You're going to say that its all a matter of perspective and the ultimate choice of that, lies with me. Within me. And I know you have a point there....except...that it is only because of Time that I begin to understand you. He has to do his thing, before the choice of perspective becomes apparent to my untrained eye. Sometimes, it takes a LIFE TIME! Whooooooooops!!!! Whaddaya know. The two of you joined forces there once again. You got on so well there that he completed your sentence. Not the _ _ _ _ sentence tho. Ha ha ha! Poor joke, I admit. (*waiting for the polite titters*)
You know....there are a lot of quotes about you out there! Oh yes...you are one highly discussed persona! You figure in every conversation (yes I repeat myself) and every concern, and every enjoyment. You have it made! But of all the ones I read, this is the one I picked for you....and it goes like this...
"The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature."
Its by a Joseph Campbell, and I have no idea who he is....but I think he's onto something. Do you agree?
One amazing thing though.....while it can take a lot of Mr. Time to understand what you're all about....what you're all about, is actually very simple. And to be imbibe that simplicity, I will have to forget that Mr. Time has a past, or that he will have a future, and just accept him, exactly as he is. Sometimes that means, the speeding road extending from my windshield, or the steamy vapours from the food cooking on the stove, or that errant balance on my bank reconciliation which should not be, or that stubborn set of the jaw in my son's face...or even right now.....words forming paragraphs on my screen, coming from a place deep inside, hoping it makes as much sense on the outside. But that's just you, isn't it?....coming from a place deep inside...hoping it makes as much sense on the outside....when one day, it eventually will....
Till then, I hope you will give me enough moments to pause every once in a while, to end the pause of our own last conversation, and to continue the dialogue......me, with the lengthy missives, and introspections, and intense self analyses, and you....with your constant, ever present flow, humming softly to yourself, a strange haunting tune, of every palpable emotion, that I might just be able to catch...when the words finally run out...
Thank you for everything you have given me...and thank you for all the gifts of the future. And thank you for now....for this moment when you and me became one...
Always, A small, but always a willing part of you.
At the end of this rather strange exercise, I realised that its harder than it looks. For how do you write to something which is everything you would want to write to something about??? If you think you know the answer to that, would you please put pen to paper, and finger to keyboard, and grey cell to the crazy 'L' and show me how it's done? Many thanks! :)
Winkie's been into photography for a little while now. And by that I don't mean the manipulations of shutter speeds and apertures, but the simple point and shoots. I guess he has picked it up from me, no surprises there. Give him free reign with the smaller Canon, and he shoots everything in the house. Right from his McQueen, to the plant in the corner, to Thambi's nostrils, to a speck of dirt on the floor, to the lampshades, to his favorite book, carefully laid open on the floor. And when he's done photographing every object worthy of interest and even those not so worthy of interest, in lay opinion, he starts shooting himself.
With fingers behind the lens, and his self in front of it, he has a merry picnic. I never catch him while the action is going on. But at night, when he is asleep and I sit down to clear the memory space, I stumble upon portrait after self portrait. And they are so decidedly funny and amusing, that I thought it would be worth sharing them here....another bone of contention perhaps, for the years to come! And if he can play comical contortions with his face, I can do the same with words and here they are now...pictures, captions and all.
(Drunken master)..........................(Rudra Tandavam).........................Kachooow! .............Goofy doofy....................Cudn't think this one up!........Future kathakali artiste
I had this secret plan that this summer should be about Winkie's training wheels coming off! Yes! That's what the title of this post is about, what did you think???? Anyways! It was a secret because I wasn't sure if it would happen. I can afford to use that word now, because it did.
But it didn't happen in the typical, regular way. Though that is how we started. You know...you take off those 2 mini wheels, and hold the back of the cycle and hold on, even if it kills every muscle in your back, until the said young man, figures that it can be his own solo operation..that's the usual way, right?
Well....we held on, R one time, me one time, and then we gave it up because our backs meant more to us than our boy's sense of balance. And he didn't push for it too, because he had decided that he needed to be older and a bigger boy to be able to ride. Days and weeks went by in the complacence. But as the summer progressed, more and more little people were sighted doing a circuit of our community in their non-motorised two wheelers. Add to that his own parents, who each got out their two wheelers and went out on merry rounds of the community. Someone was really being left solo now!
Not that it cramped his style any! He just jumped on his own ride with the four wheels and tried to keep up with everybody else. Only, the 2 mini wheels could not keep up with this gusto of activity, and would keep coming loose. And this was the final undoing, pardon the pun. So one fine day, after many such days of frustrated attempts to brave on in his 4 wheels, he decided he wanted them off. We were more than happy to oblige. And just as we were also bracing our backs for the balancing chase ahead, he threw a bombshell! We were not to hold on to the back. Not at all. He would practice on his own. Imagine our disappointment, mixed with the inevitable pride that he was so self motivated, giving way to the inordinate frustation of watching him get nowhere with doing it on his own.
" The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. "
I tried many variations of the lectures, saying that he would first need to learn balance, before learning how ot launch himself, and the only way to learn balance was to have our balancing hand at his beck...err...I mean back. And that is how everyone learnt! He was flat in his refusal saying, he would find his own way to learn, a new way, and be different.
It was the afternoon of Saturday, the 4th. The rain had just stopped and this headstrong boy headed out. He sat astride his 2 wheeler, with a look of decided cheerfulness, and the mood to conquer. Something about the way he took off, prickled all my instincts and I knew something was about to happen. I was upstairs, putting away folded laundry when I heard his glees of delight. Appa...look at me...he seemed to be saying. R was outside, giving him company, and trying to to see if he could sneak in behind him to hold.....not that it was tolerated for long. Thambi hung around my legs like a baby kitten, trying to see what he could meddle with. Suddenly, the door burst open and R called out....Come and see this....see what's happening! You know how..just when you're supposed to speed it up, you sort of go into a freeze instead? You do the exact opposite of what you're supposed to be doing, and even though your mind tells you, the inertia to move and do seems insurmountable. I don't know if you guys know this feeling or not...so if you do, you can nod along sagely, and if you don't, you can think me strange and read ahead. After what seemed like 5 whole minutes, I moved. But not before taking out the camera. I was finally getting my bearings! :D I went out and there he was, perched by the garage door, looking back at me expectantly. And on the right cue, he took off. By his own solo self, he had figured out a way to teach himself to balance on his bike. Now, our driveway is on a very slight incline and the trick was to start from the top of the inclne and while he did, he took both his feet off the bike and balanced his two wheeler. He did this a few times, until it became predictable and sure for him. Then, he added the next step where he put his feet back on the pedals after gaining some momentum, and just kept going from there, with the same sense of balance he had learned for those first few seconds. Practice this too another couple of times, and then it was a matter of learning to manouever and navigate left and right and in circles, and there you have it ladies and gentlemen....there's a boy that just began to ride his very own bicycle! Our delight at his feat has to be countenanced, as does his! I shot this video in his 3rd round after I came to look out at him.
Now, with 3 days of practice under his belt, he looks like a pro. He zips around the community, with the wind blowing against his hair, he takes the bumps with a steady confidence and he makes turns in a steady, skillful arc. Of course from time to time, the typical boyish need to swagger and show off happens and he either speeds up when he spots the 3 sisters in that house around the bend, or lies face flat in the bushes when he hasn't watched himself. Cuts and bruises dot his hands and knees, and in a move that raises all my sentiments and keener maternal emotions, he dusts them off in a nonchalant manner and tells me....Don't worry Amma, its just a scratch. I'm okay.
For there was a day, not long ago....when a scraped knee meant copious tears, a huge hug and lots of comforting murmurs before the promise of a smile came again....Looking back, I notice that the trace of my memories, from that day to this, has been marked by the wetness....not of the tears, but through the promise of rain. It looks like we come full circle, in more ways than one.
What hit home more than anything else was what took place after all the riding was done with. For in between R's Ivan and my Ivie on the right wall of the garage(yes, we named our cycles, tho R will have me tell you that it was purely my quirk.), we spotted Winkie's BeeGee (so named, after the blue and the green, not the music group!) right in center, where only a day before it has rested peacefully against the left wall, alongwith Thambi's little trike and the big police car. Not one hour since the wheels had come off and he was already claiming a place in adulthood. *siiigggghhh*
Leaving you all, with a play by play of that 3rd take off...this is probably the only time, you will see him a little awkward and needing to launch himself thus....for ladies and gentlemen, we have a biker in our midst!
...that a doctor's visit could prove to be so entertaining??? With 2 boys that sometimes turn into clowns and a camera phone that capture decent quality, I had a good time!
The fun started right in the waiting room after we check in and they settle in to watch an episode of Care Bears. Not even 5 minutes into the show, and we are called in. And now's when the fun really begins. Small room, confined space, 4 walls, an examining bench, a weight machine, lollipops stored by the bounty! What happens in there is anyone's guess!
They hug, they cuddle...
They separate into 2 seating spaces....and when one is lost and sings to himself, the other is lost in watching him.
The doctor takes his time coming. So there's time for yet another round of combined seating, and they set up a group chorus, much like a tribal call.
Song over and they want action again. And what better place to explore than the weighing machine. And I don't even want to tell you what the numbers look like together....its depressing! Better get some calories into them....even if the only immediate choice are a pair of suckers! Well, it does keep them quiet, so I can read at least 4 lines of that magazine that promises to teach me how to have the perfectly behaved kids!
Doctor comes in....aaaaaah..... they open their mouths, in and out they breathe deeply, tilt their heads this a way and that a way, and come away with a clean bill of health. 2 hours have passed by in all the above action and the verdict is all worth it!
We had a very interesting and satisfying July 4th weekend.
The July 4th holiday has always held a strong family connotation for me. I think its a carryover from watching movies, with many of them touching upon special July 4th memories. Well this year, we got a chance to create some memories too, and it turned out to be quite a varied weekend.
June was an intensely busy and work filled month for me. For 3 whole weeks, I managed on 4 hours of sleep a night, whilst being completely tied up every other minute of the day. The work was joyful, and intensely spiritual, but sleep deprivation always takes its toll, and a lot of household chores were sidelined to make the deadlines. So this long weekend, I spent some time catching up on those chores. And applying all my domestic skills, to make the house looking and feeling like a home again. *siiigh* There is little that can beat the feeling of a clean house and a job well done!
Friday afternoon saw things very quiet around the house. Winkie and his Dad had gone for a movie (Ice Age 3), and Thambi was taking a blissful nap, and it was truly my happy hour. After killing time with some mindless browsing, I finally decided to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty. It was a cool afternoon with a lovely 75 degrees in the air, and I opened up the garage and got out some of the houseplants for changing the soil and repotting. I must have been working quietly for a 1/2 hour, when suddenly, I had the sensation of a pair of dark eyes looking at me, and a movement nearby. I froze for a second and looked up to see this tiny little baby rabbit hopping softly towards me. It hopped 2 steps, then stopped, hopped again closer, then stopped, and hopped again, till it was just inches from my feet.
Now I feel a definite affection for animals, but my first reaction is always one of fear, at too much proximity, even if it is just a cute baby bunny. So I jumped out of my chair and stepped back, only to have it edge closer. Fear is irrational and the next few seconds saw me stamping my feat, trying to scare the bunny out of the garage, but it scampered over to a corner and hid behind my cycle. And that's when I realised, what I should have realised from the start....that this was a very special visitor. And was I not missing the opportunity of a lifetime to serve Him, by sending Him away? It would not do! And with that single ray of light and understanding, I went back to my plants to work and let that little one be. From time to time, I looked over at him (just feel like its a 'him'). He was in that very same position for a long time, tho he broke that spell once in a while, to go sniff at something in the corner. We were a very companionable pair and I was amazed that a baby rabbit, that should normally have been very scared, should have approached me so bravely and steadily.
An hour passed by in this manner and soon, Thambi joined us after his nap. I was very excited to show him our new friend and he was very curious and happy to make its acquaintance. The fear that was my first reaction was marked by its absence in him and he went over to try and touch it, but of course I squealed out and he jumped back, and then just watched Bunny from a safe distance. Another 1/2 hour went by in this curious inspection and the remaining 2 members came home. R's face, when he saw this baby, was bathed in softness and tenderness, as I knew it would be. He loves animals. Winkie was also excited and exclaimed as to its cuteness. This guy had not moved in all this while...so still and resolute was he. R's first thought was that he may have eaten something not so good for his little system, and was sluggish as a result. We decided to let Bunny be and went inside. In the evening, the boys wanted to play outside and when we came out, he was still in that same spot. 2 more hours went by and he still hadn't moved. We wanted to go in and close the garage, but didn't wish to lock the guy in either. So R tried to prod him gently into some movement. Bunny was terribly sluggish and hardly moved more than a feeble hop or two. Its not like his limbs were hurt....he just seemed...tired for lack of a better word.
R's tenderness overcame him and he took him in his hands. We realised how tiny he was only when he sat in R's hands. He got really cosy in the body warmth and sort of shrunk into a little cute ball of fur with liquid dark eyes and a nose that twitched every once a while, trying to smell R. It was so cute. The boys were overcome by the cuteness and they wanted to stroke him and touch him and love him. And I did too, and just when I plucked up enough courage to gently stroke his back, my touch sent a current of shock through him and he leaped out of R's hands and landed on the ground. We all shrieked in horror and watched in relief as he hopped briskly this way and that, trying to get some sense of direction and where to go. He finally made his way over to some bushes and got cosy in there. Which is when it hit us that it was already his bedtime and he would have probably slept off in the garage for the night, had we let him.
Now, we were severely disappointed, the boys more so, and Winkie wanted to feed him a carrot. So we got a tiny bit out and left it by the bush to see if he would come out, but he didn't. He was out for the night and the sun had just set. It was almost 9 PM and with difficulty we resigned ourselves to not seeing him again. Which is when our neighbour passed through and asked us if we were not going to see the fireworks...
And THAT is how we went to see the fireworks. As a last minute whim fired by a neighbourly enquiry. None of us had had dinner, and we all got into the car as is, and headed to the spot which was only a 15 minute drive away, but of course the heavy traffic meant double time and the fireworks started at 9:30. As we inched our way through the traffic, we were assailed by many doubts...should we proceed, will we get a spot, should we turn here itself and park? Will we be able to see the fireworks from here? And at that precise moment when all these doubts and unanswered questions were disturbing the being, we both remembered to pray. Why hadn't we done it before and asked???
We prayed. We became silent. And calm. We drove on. It was 9:29. A loud burst and a spattering of pretty dazzling colours in the sky and the fireworks had begun. And to our right was a Walgreens. Without hesitation, R made a right into the lot. There were many cars already parked and many parked randomly. Festivity hung in the air and smiles marked the cheer in many faces. We stopped too, right in the middle. R urged me to take the boys out and closer for better viewing, while he watched from the car. And that is how, we came to be...a mother and her 2 little boys, sitting on the pavement by the road, along with a host of others, all strangers, looking up towards the night sky, enjoy the pyrotechnic display, with a simple, universal, child like wonder. The picture up there is the 2 of them in rapt attention.
Fireworks are a strong unifying force that way, isn't it? Children and adults alike, different nationalities and religions notwithstanding, everyone of us partaking in the same enjoyment, feeling, in our own ways, blessed to be alive and to be a witness at this moment....the bond is very strong and hangs in the air, waiting for you to sense it, should the consciousness permit.
My 2 boys were tired after a long day of play and laughter. They both leaned back into my arms, cuddled and huddled together, their necks arched upwards. Gratitude stole up on me, not to be left far behind and out of this quiet coterie of sublime feelings. I missed R who was only a few yards away, but savoured the feeling of being a mother and protector and a link to the trust that these two little souls had of the world. Its an intensely alive feeling that there are no other words for.
And with that....the highlight of that weekend came to an end!
And by that, I do not mean that God does not provide ceaselessly. Only that we cannot accept as ceaselessly, as He gives.. There are periods, when our being is extremely open and receptive, and we take the time to ask, and when we receive, we allow ourselves to be a fitting receptacle of that Grace, allowing it to pour in, seep in and coalesce our being into a worthy instrument. But it is always shortlived. And the bubble always bursts and leaves you open and exposed again, to the forces of duality, predominantly because of our human tendency to be inconsistent.
The only way to counter its ill effects, the only way to find a balance….is to HOLD ON. I always knew this, deep in my heart….but it wasn’t until I heard this song recently, that I really understood that this was the only recourse. The words are nothing fancy….they rhyme in a way that’s almost predictable.
When dark clouds fill the skies, hiding sunshine from your eyes…Say His Name, see His Form…HOLD ON.
When things are getting rough, and you think you’ve had enough…Say His Name, see His Form, HOLD ON.
…and so on it goes. But more than the actual stanzas, it’s the simple chorus that gets me.
HOLD ON….HOLD ON…..Say His Name, see His Form, HOLD ON!
Because it breaks it down into the simplest thing that you can do….which is HOLD ON. When crisis is prevalent, you do not want to remember heavy duty instructions, or complex metaphors; you want something simple, akin to a mantra that comes easily to the lips and makes your heart want to cling on. And HOLD ON is my self discovered mantra these days.
It is 9AM and we have reached that point of the morning, where the rush is just behind us. R is dropped to the station, the boys and breakfasted and ready and we have reached the community center which is Winkie’s stop. I have another stop for little Thambi en route, before I reach the cool confines of my little office complex and plonk with relief into my ergonomic chair, to enjoy its silent comfort for the next couple of hours before the next cycle of activity ensues. But that comes later. Right now, there is an inbuilt tendency to rush through this moment too, preferring to carry Thambi in my arms so we can all walk a little faster to the camp doors. But he doesn’t think so. He squirms and protests, until I let him find his feet and off he goes on his own. Our progress is now slower, as he stops to balance himself on the edge of the pavement, doing a tightrope walk of a sort, giggling delightedly, and the seconds tick by.
But, something about the sound of that laughter penetrates my own rushed sense of the world and makes me want to stop. And LET GO. A delicious feeling of luxury steals over me…as if life leaned over and whispered in my ear….this is IT. Stop and feel.. And I do. And I LET GO….of MY sense of time, and LET GO…of how I want to go things. And I HOLD ON to the promise of the magic of that moment. And HOW it delivers!!! A smile in place of a frown, joy in my steps, in place of the measured, hurried pace…and a sense of gratitude, that everything is just perfect right now…exactly as it is.
And in that selfsame magic of that moment, I realize the power of yet another mantra that can come to aid and deliver you from moments that can catapult into extreme stress. LET GO LET GO LET GO. I try and use it often enough time during the day, when I end up HOLDING ON to the wrong thing, the kind of thing that always gets me into trouble with myself.
And thus it becomes the dance of a little symphony of contrasts….done in alternating steps, guided by the intellect, and the heart, having its beginning in patience. HOLD ON….LET GO…..HOLD ON…..LET GO….Can you help but smile at the simple, sweet irony that measures the success of the life we lead….guided by balance and these two opposing mantras? Duality plays its hand here as well!
When we holidayed in Chennai last summer, we had a chance to observe what we thought was something new about Thambi. You will understand why I use that phrase, when you read on. Without any inputs from our end to identify, he would greet all the God pictures around the home with an immediate coming together of his hands, in a silent pranam. We enjoyed this trait of his very much. And in every home we went to, he could spot these kind of pictures right away and give his due respect. What was really surprising to us was how he spotted the divine forms, right through the more modern looking pictures...the stylised, artsy ones, the ones with minimal strokes and embellishments, the glass paintings, the embossed ones on foil, everything. No matter if it bore very little representation to the more traditional figures, he still knew.
Posts
