Love, then and now!

Well...might as well get on with #501!

I just finished watching Love Aaj Kal. After reading so many mixed reactions about it, I expected some mixed reactions myself. But pleasantly found that I know exactly how I feel about it. I liked it. Might even say I loved it. Why? Because it seems like at the end of the day, happy endings rule, and I want to feel good when I walk away from a movie. Because that feeling pervades in real life for at least a bit, after the fact. I liked it because I didn't sense such a big change in the matters of the heart, then and now. Its true, there are way more options today than there was some 30 years ago. But at the end it just boils down to the same thing. The same delicious sense of denial, the same covering up of inner whisperings with the practical, the same yearning, the same romance in all the struggles, real and contrived and the same desperateness to finally listen to your heart. I loved it all. I lapped it all up! I'm typical that way! :)

500 for Friendship!

I usually tend to follow chronology when I blog, as in post about things as they happen. And something very significant happened in this last 2 weeks of my life which I have yet to share. I wondered how I should do it. You have already heard me wax poetic about friendship before. And much as that is what this post is about...it is also about so much more. It is about kindness and service and the desire and the ability to extend oneself is such a way, that one is stretched, but making such a palpable difference to the life of the person who is in need...lifting the heavy burden of thoughts off of them, giving them cheer with your undivided presence, rolling back sleeves and lending a hand, in the most practical way in which it counts, sharing in a home and taking up its responsibilities as your own, leaving behind practical considerations of time for the sole purpose of landing at your doorstep to give you a smile....these are all things that step from the feeling of friendship, but is actually an expression of your own self, your deepest qualities that you have given the initiative to surface.

" I've seen and met angels wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives. ~Tracy Chapman
"

These are the things I want to write about, and at the time that it happened, I was about 4 posts away from 500. So I decided to wait, and let those thoughts simmer, understanding them better in the process, appreciating them all the more for the difference they made and now, I am ready to share them with you. This 500 is for Friendship....and for the people who rise beyond it, to a basic humanity of giving.

Barely a week had passed since my accident, and little did I knew that the wheels of thought were churning in the mind of one of my dearest friends. She had worked out days of leave and a rough plan in her head when she called me and said she could come for a couple of days paired with a weekend, to help us out. By this time, my cousin was here and I realised how good it felt to have a person in the house, helping out with everything. And here was someone offering me 4 extra days of that sunshine! So of course, I said yes. She worked out everything so quickly and used her miles to book her tickets, rented a car so we wouldn't have to bother about her transport and flew and drove over to reach here on a Wednesday night. And from the very next morning, for the next 4 days, I had the most divine coffee made fresh, the minute I stepped out of the bathroom. She ran errands, picked up groceries, took Thambi to the park for some fresh air, got me started on an embroidery project to keep my mind engaged, watched movies with me, cooked, cleaned, tended to many a baby boo boos, and colluded, with her chauffeur service, in the biggest surprise that I was to get that weekend.

It was Sunday afternoon and her last day there. We were all lounging about lazily, watching a movie, when quite unnoticed, she stood up and left the house. Close to a 1/2 hour must have passed and I did wonder in between why she wasn't still watching the movie with us, but figured maybe she had gone upstairs to pack. Winkie was playing outside with a neighbour's kid, and they kept ringing the doorbell every 10 minutes asking for water. It was around 4:30 PM and the doorbell rang again. R got up with some irritation, muttering about these thirsty kids and opened the door. I was on my bed, all propped up with my numerous cushions, looking towards the door as well, when he opened it and there was just a second's silence and he said a very surprised sounding 'Hi'! Whoever was at the door was by this time shushing him to keep quiet but the 'Hi' had escaped anyhow. I noticed it and sat up a little straighter, knowing that something was up, but wholly unprepared for the sight that was about to greet my eyes. I was definitely expecting some visitor by now, but definitely not the kind of visitor that had just flown some 2000 odd miles, landing in Chicago in a 4 hour transit, en route to another destination, using an hour of that time to land at my doorstep, while saving another hour to get back, so that one hour of that precious interim period could be spent in recharging a friendship with the vital physical presence, signing a cast for real, bearings gifts for everyone with her usual out-of-this-world thoughtfulness and leaving with her eyes speaking volumes of kindness and a word...please do not exert yourself. Please take rest so you can come and surprise me too!

Kodi's Mom leaves me utterly bereft of words to describe this occasion....one I greeted with immediate, helpless tears at so much of kindness that was coming my way. And as if her cheerful, delightfully surprising visit wasn't enough, and in spite of the fact that she was going on a weeklong holiday, she still made the time to think of our practical need of the next meal. She had packed 2 boxes of idlis for us all, the least she could do by way of food, to help our situation. Can you believe this person? Can you believe she is for real? I know she is, because I felt the warmth of her hug, and that look in her face as she bade me goodbye and the way she put a hand on my shoulder as I cried with emotion.

One of the greatest lessons I have learnt from this whole episode of my broken leg, is how to ask for help, and how to receive it gracefully. For you know....it isn't easy asking for help. I had grown very used to being extremely independent and pushing myself to the bounds of my own energy before I relied on another. I had grown to internalising everything and seeking my own inner voice for counsel before I asked anybody else for advice. I have grown very self reliant in the past few years, during this period of spiritual growth. And here I was, once again, at a point, when I needed other people. It wasn't easy at first. So many folks offered and I said yes...I will call you if I need anything...but to actually pick up the phone and say...hey...can you help me out with some food this week? Can you come over for a little while and help me with the boys this weekend? Can you give Thambi a ride?...Can you...These were difficult things to say and didn't come easily to my lips, for heavy was that feeling of being under an obligation, and transferring the burden of my work onto the shoulders of another, who wasn't duty bound to me. I cringed many a times, dreading those calls. But it got easier as I did it more and more. When people offered help, they meant it. And when you took them up on it, they were glad to play an active hand in your recuperation. It did make them feel useful. It gave them a chance to serve. And this is what I learnt to recognise. That asking for help isn't always about you. It is a good nurture for the soul rendering it. And I should be pleased to be the instrument for this seva in their lives. I should be pleased for how this would enrich their own lives, instead of focusing on the inconvenience it would cause them. Rendering help IS about some inconvenience, otherwise it is not a help. And gratitude isn't about maintaining an obligation towards them in the future. It isn't about just trying to repay them for that kindness. That kind of timely help can never be repaid, but it can certainly be given in turn to the next person who needs that of you. Isn't it?

So that is what this Post 500 is all about. It is a dedication and a thank you to all my earthly saviours. To my dear Altoid and Kodi's Mom for their personal physical touch, to all my friends and neighbour who have been dropping me food regularly, to all my friends farther away who thought enough of my situation to reach out with a personal word of concern (sometimes a simple kind how are you?, asked with the utmost sincerity, is all that you really need), to my dear pal Vidhya who provided food, company, transport and an unfailing hug everytime, to dear dear Uma who has been taking in Thambi everyday generously, taking care of his food and dropping him home every evening to make it easier on us, to my dearest Gaya who makes it a point to call me every alternate day to enquire whether I am still taking my medicines, to the wishes on Facebook and all the unfailing, cheerful, energising comments here, to all of you who take time to come and read about my life and my loves....God bless you all.

Taking responsibility...a little boy's take!

He was in bed some 20 minutes ago, and now he stands at the door, schoolbag slung over his back, his hair hurriedly combed, dark grey shorts with some creases, and a tee to match. All picked out with his own sense of aesthetics and a consideration for how I would have done it, had I been able to. When I see him come down the stairs, all dressed, I should feel proud. But all I feel is annoyance. Why does he not wake up when I wake him? Why does he not make time for a good breakfast? Why do we do the rushing thing everyday? Why can't he grow up a little on this, and take responsibility for himself?

He hurries to the door, puts on his socks and shoes, while I make sure his bag is filled with all the things that he needs for the day. He stands up straight and takes the bag from my hand. I look at him, still simmering with irritation, that he has missed his breakfast even, showing it in my eyes and in the rigid set of my face. He looks at me, perhaps to see if there is a soft spot somewhere that he can tap into. But no. I sit resolute, trying to prove a point....the invisible words... I told you so....hanging in the air over us. He lets out a silent sigh and squares his shoulders with a resignation that is far beyond his age, and that single momentary act, pierces the solid wall of my ego and shatters this unnecessary hardness. Love comes flooding out of the cracked walls and I extend my arms out in invitation. But the hardness which seeped out of me, seemed to have touched him some, and he doesn't make a move. He stands still and watches me, his face downcast, lips pouted. This rejection is more than my ego can take and with complete disregard for the metamorphosis that happened just a moment ago, I withdraw the warmth of my response, saying....Fine!...silently.

But in that very same instant, a boy decides to become a man. Or was it the other way around?...that a man decides to become a boy once more? I don't know. All I know is that his expression softened a lot faster than it took to have that same effect on me....and the fight went out of him, in a manner so graceful and so kind and so generous, and all he wanted was my hug. Ok fiiiiine!...he said softly and came to me. And with that one action, with that beautiful softness that floats inside of him at any given time, he showed me that he could indeed take responsibility for himself.

Woman in black!

Yes, I have morphed from the Lady in Red to the Woman in Black. All thanks to this big old, black, duck boot that they put in the place of my cast, a few days ago. Which actually indicates progress, because the doc now thinks I should start feeling some sensations (read : pain) in my legs, and learn to move some of those finer muscles. An x-ray revealed that the fracture is healing, tho full healing cud take upto 16 weeks and he tells me, my recovery is certainly not incumbent on whether my bone fills up in its cracks or not. It was news to me. Anyways, he gave me the go ahead for something I have been dreading...that of beginning to use my leg, ever so little, a week from now. Just to start the process of strengthening it again. I know I have to get over the psychological pain that something will happen if I use my left leg. Just got to overcome that, and it will begin with that first step.

But in a way, it began with getting used to life with these extra long, unwieldy boots. Firstly, they are not as hard as the cast, and I can twitch and move some muscles in my foot, and I can feel the pain of my injury very well now, where before, I was more or less shielded from it. I cried that first day of wearing it. Every moment seemed painful. And now, I am just used to it and it doesn't seem like a whole lot anymore. The added circulation has helped and taken the edge off the discomfort. Now, the challenge simply is to use it like I used the cast. Since its longer and heavier (oddly), its more awkward to navigate it when I walk with the crutches.

But enough of my physical woes. On the cheerier side, we have made the decision to have Amma over and she will hopefully be here in another 2 weeks. Things are going smoothly for now. Winkie goes to school and is taken care of there. Thambi goes to Uma's and is taken care of there. Friends are dropping off food, and we are taken care of there. Which has really given me a chance to lay back and tend to myself. I have only 3 weeks of vacation left and I am determined to live it up. Books, movies, embroidery, naps, and nothing at all....this is how I spend my time and enjoy the peace and quiet like nothing else.

The ground floor of the house still remains my safe zone. Its where I have gotten most used to being by myself. I ventured upstairs once, but it was way too tiring and strained my sprained foot even more. So will wait on that for a bit longer. I still use the office chair to wheel myself around the kitchen to help myself to food, or quickly pack up Winkie's lunchbox. I have all my clothes in a basket near where I can always reach it. I have all the remotes and cellphone and phone, and laptop, and mike and headphones....everything within an arm's reach away. I have 3 pillows for my back and 5 for my feet. A light blanket for if I get cold. A standing fan that has been so positioned as to blow air exactly my way. I am paranoid about it being moved even an inch this way or that. Recently, I also figured out how I could have my coffee in bed. He he. But if I proceed to elaborate on that, then you guys will start your lecture on the over-exerting etc etc etc. In my defense, a girl has to have things perfectly laid out, just so...no???

I am well. My spirits are well. The kids are coping. Winkie tries to make himself of use when he really gets into the mood, and thinks a lot about how I do things and this I glean, from his intuitive questions....like...Amma, how do you have a bath? Or....how did you go to the doctor's office before getting your cast? Thambi, for his part was a little confused at first. His whole world view had shifted and it took him a while to realise that he would have to make his requests to someone else besides me. Now he always knows where to find his Dad. Yipppeee! :) He has also learnt the fine art of walking gingerly around my legs, or else have the dragon breathe fire on him. he has learnt how to climb onto my lap with a book, without any casualties. We sit and sing together for a long time sometimes....our favorite and most successful co-activity. He knows that one Aunty will pick him up to drop him to another Aunty's house, and if he is to survive it, he should just trust them, and gracefully at that, and he does.

And thus, for every challenge that comes my way, I find that the blessings to ease the path happen at just as frequent intervals, maintaining an even keel on life. I realise one thing now, and big time......Troubles will happen. You can count on it like clockwork. But if you fill that moment with your trust, faith and hope (unwavering, shaky, ego-filled, surrendered and all), you will find it easy to be graceful. And that's just the secret of life. To be graceful about....everything!

A question...

We are considering whether to get my mom here right now. The reason why we don't have a fixed decision yet on this is because my parents were planning to make a visit in March and stay through the summer. So if she comes now, we do have the option of applying for her visa extension so that she can continue to stay through my father's visit and they can return together. But this is all assuming that the visa does get extended without any issues. So far she has made 2 trips here and we have never extended so far. So her history is good and there is no reason why she should not be granted an extension. But my mind envisions that other possibility....the what if...scenario. Then if she has to go back, I don't want her to have to stay alone in Chennai without my Dad. This is the dilemma I face right now.

So just wanted to ask those of you who have some experience in this matter....have you ever extended your parent' visa? What reason did you cite for the same? Was it approved? Is it a simple matter? I have read up enough on the visa rules et all and understand what an extension entails and how to go about it. But other people's experiences may help me make a decision.

Because having her over would be the loveliest thing. It would take the biggest load off my mind. I know I will have a period of rehabilitation and physical therapy etc, to get back to complete shape with my foot, and that may well span the next 6 months, in which case, having a good support system within the house would be the ideal situation.

Right now, I am thoroughly confused.

Duty calls...

His voice on the line sounded tired. Full of a heaviness which came out in his sigh, his words. His eyes were burning....he said...and a kind of unexplained tiredness. My heart did a flip and the dreaded words swine flu loomed ominously at the periphery of my anxious thoughts. I told him to take precautions and get some rest. Don't go for your classes tomorrow, just sleep in....I begged him. The flu can't get me...he joked. I am a pig. A male chauvinist pig. And he laughed out loud. Poor joke....I thought disparagingly.

I called again this morning, waiting impatiently for the beep beep beep of the long distance call to give way to the confirmed ring at the other end. Amma picked up the phone and told me what I already knew. He had woken up still a little tired and with a cold, but had left for his classes 5 minutes ago. *sigh*

I pictured him then....walking the early morning road to the bus terminal. It would be a lovely time of the day to be on a walk, with minimal traffic, the sound of the sweepers sweeping the roads, some music perhaps from the tea stall, or religious songs blaring from the temple loudspeaker. And there he would be walking by his lone self, the earphones of his ipod securely in his ears, as he listens to the vishnu sahasranamam, so that every step reverberates with its cosmic energy. And even after 20 years of being in the Gulf, he prefers a walk and the bus to any other mode of transport. And even after some 40 years of a working life, his mantra is still...duty calls...and making that appointment with his students in the tuition academy is still what takes precedence to his health and his state of mind. Once I enter that classroom, I will be well again...he told me, just before I hung up, delivering a promise that he would rest as soon as he got home.

And maybe this is what runs in my blood too. This sense of duty. Towards loved ones, and towards those that need me to be there...to be strong. It probably explains why I create ingenuous ways of entering the kitchen, leaving my crutches behind, sitting on R's office chair, wheeling myself around in near gay abandon, opening cupboards, extracting spices, chopping vegetables, sauteing the curry and cooking the rice and packing lunchbags, just like any other regular untoward day, just because I cannot bear that look of resigned tiredness in R's shoulders, because I cannot stomach my family making do with another burger lunch...because...

Instead, everything gets done pretty fast in under an hour, and when I climb back into bed and put my feet back into their raised position, it is with a sense of relief and utter relaxation, that comes only from having done your duty, in whichever way you can possibly manage it. My soul seems to say, from deep within its depths...Bravo!...you have done what you could to take care of your family, and now He will take care of you!

An ice cream date!

Summer's come to an end for Winkie-man and he gets ready for 1st grade. Come Thursday, we're once again back to packed lunches and early bedtimes, and bus-stop on time and all the sweet trappings of elementary school! He's excited, especially now that he knows one of his best friends from Kindergarten is also in his Grade 1 class.

I confirmed this said fact with An's (best friend's) mother, and after hearing about my mobility situation, she ever so kindly offered to pick up Winkie for an ice cream social at the school grounds this evening. When I told him, his joy, of course, knew no bounds. He was super thrilled and today it showed, when at 5 PM, he went upstairs, took a nice shower, brought down a tee to ask for my approval, asked if it would go well with denim shorts, then went back upstairs, dressed, put some oil (a little too much) on his hair, found a nice parting and combed it well, cream on his face, vaseline for his lips and a super sweet smile of achievement and expectancy as he waited for my comments. I pulled him close for that fresh after bath smell, gave him a kiss on his soft cheeks, distributed the oil in his hair a little more evenly, combed it again, and took this picture.

An's mother was a little late in coming, and he was hopping from place to place in eagerness and impatience. But she finally made it and he was picked up and off they went down the road in a trail of dust. Okay okay...the trail of dust part is an overkill, and used just for effect!

In those few minutes in which she was delayed, I realised how much it meant to me that he be able to go for this. I know I would have taken him for it had I been able to, and compounded by this fact, was the strength of all my sentiments that he get out of the house in these last few days of summer, enjoy an evening with his friend under the starry sky, slurping on ice cream and making a memory of laughter and fun, the way a little boy of 6 rightfully should!

To Gaya...with Love!

God gave us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends!

...so goes a little quote I know. Except that in my case, I got quite lucky in the case of my cousin. She is the daughter of my father's older brother, and older to me only by 10 months. We didn't have that idyllic family history of summer holidays spent together, or frequent sleepovers or holidays taken together. Apart from a short span of time when she also lived in Bahrain, we grew up in different countries for most of our life. Yet, I always had this deep fascination for her and her life. I looked up to her, always with an air of wonder. In those young, shortlived days of our childhood, we loved playing teacher teacher the most. And she was always the teacher and I was always her student. And it was just the way I liked it. There is a picture of both of us in a light blue chiffon dress, taken from those days. She stands a couple of inches taller than me, and I remember from that picture, how thrilled I was that the dress I had bought matched hers so exactly. It made all the difference in my world then, that I looked like her.

Then we lost touch for the longest period of time. We both grew up. And then...nearly 10 years later, the reunion happened in Pune. I was studying there and she lived there with her family. And I visited them at home. Bear in mind, that this was the age at which friends are so much more fun than relatives and when you are in a hostel life, you really live it up on the weekends, and the last thing you want, is to be tied down to familial obligations. But being with my Uncle's family was nothing like that. It was the place I called home in the days when I was the most homesick. The kind of atmosphere that pervaded there, was the sweet, warm, family kind, with dollops of homemade butter, spicy, tangy thakkali thokku, cups of the most aromatic masala chai in the daintiest little teacups. I just loved going there, and from once a month weekend trips, the frequency increased to every other weekend, until I was spending diwali vacations and summer holidays with them. This was the time that me and Gaya really got close. We seemed to have a natural affinity for laughter when we came together and were as giggly as a bunch of teens. Of course that childish fascination for her was gone, but it became the foundation for our newly found friendship as two equals, and it was like we were catching up on all the lost days of our childhood.

One day, all too soon, even this glorious interlude of life ended as my college education ended and I moved back to Bahrain. Soon, she got married and moved countries again to set up her family and begin her life and my own life path took another course in January of 2001 and the rest is history. But this history is vital to this story, because it will help you all understand what is so special about this cousin that came to help me out this week, at a time, when me and my family were most vulnerable. The minute she arrived last Sunday, she literally took over the reins and steered the course of the week following it. She single handedly managed the kitchen and all its affairs. She took care of 4 highly active kids and all their varying needs, physical and emotional. And even when it was not really needed, she cleaned the house and tidied up in ways that I would have, treating every corner of the home as her own and caring for it with that same degree of personal attention. She helped me take the most amazing rest this one week, where I just lay back and did nothing and she did everything. She gave me my medicines on time, reminding me when I myself forgot. She helped me wash my hair, when a shampoo would have done a world of good to my spirits, she made tons of dosa batter for us to tide us through the next one week, and enough food to last us this whole weekend, even after she is gone. We spent more time catching up, talking, laughing and giggling just like old times.

But perhaps what is the most touching thing of all is the way Thambi grew attached to her. He, of all people, has been the most confused with the state of events, not quite understanding why Amma is not doing the usual set of things for him, and yet, knowing that he couldn't depend on me. It did tip his emotional security a bit and that was the point that Gaya came to the house. And under her care, he learnt to adjust to the situation a lot better. Her 2 girls...his 2 cousin akkas took such amazing care of him, brushing him, bathing him, grooming him, feeding him, playing with him, patting him to sleep that he was so securely ensconced in this nest of affection. And he grew steadily more attached to Gaya. She was the one he turned to when he woke up in the morning, tailing her while she brushed her teeth and his, waiting for her to give him his cup of milk, curling himself like a kitten in her lap as he drank it, falling asleep on her shoulders, sleeping next to her at night, asking her to carry him from time to time, drinking in her warmth and comfort. It warmed my heart to see him bloom in the direction of the sun that gave him the most light, as also it breaks my heart to think of their impending separation in a few hours. I hope he will learn to let go of her without too much of a struggle, his peyima.

We will all have to learn to let go of her now, with a happy countenance and move on to the next stage of my rehabilitation and our lives, made stronger by her timely, generous assistance that came without even our asking. Dear Gaya and J, I know how formal all of this sounds....but these are all fond recollections that I have had from time to time and I wanted to take this time to share them. My words, as I write them deep from my heart, are the best thing I have to offer you right now, as I say Thank You...for everything!

A quiet Janmashtami ...

Today is Janmashtami. And today is the first time in 5 years that I am missing out on an active celebration. You guys know only too well how we have always lived up this one festival here at W-Way Headquarters.

But here's the funny thing. I notice it and mention it only because my mind tells me it is so. As also it says that I am supposed to feel upset, and be a little sad. And I might just have reckoned it to be so and declared it thus, had I not stopped to search myself. Am I really upset? Does it really make me sad that I did not get to dress up the boys or at least Thambi this year? Do I really feel bad about being unable to walk into my kitchen to make prasadam and set up the altar and play that rapturous music that so sets the mood for celebration? I realised that it wasn't so. All these thoughts were the results of a slightly idle mind. And thank God for this awareness, else it could have really gotten me down. My cousin plans to offer some fruits and butter after lighting the lamp. That's the simplicity of our celebration this year. And I am fine with it.

The following week is Chathurthi. And Ganesha is our kula-deivam. On the day, we will acknowledge it with another simple ceremony, but from inside, I feel compelled to offer a promise to the Lord...that once my leg heals completely, however long it takes, 6 weeks or 12 or more...I will offer him, with my deepest gratitude, for all the stumbling blocks He placed in my way and helped me remove, 51 sweet kozhakattais, on the next soonest date of Chathurthi. You, my readers, are all witness to my sacred promise and sadhana and will remind me lest I forget, in a few months' time!

Back to basics!

Resting in one place for extended periods of time has given me a chance to appreciate how simple shifts...simple changes can be so beneficial to the spirits. Advance apologies for yet another post belonging to the Castaway Series, but I find myself a little diminished of subjects to write about. :D

I have been living within the confines of the living room space for the past 6 days. Baths are simple sponge baths, and my bed is either the couch or the twin mattress which R shifted from the bedroom upstairs, depending on what I feel upto. The couch is narrower but easier because I don't have to put added pressure on my right leg when I stand up from its existing elevation. The bed is roomier and softer, but awful to get up from when you have sciatica.

Coming back to the mainstream thought, the couch has been my chosen abode for this recuperation so far. And from here, I can look out the windows and the patio door, watch the trees shift in the breeze, watch the sun rise and set, look at the wispy, leafy stems of my favorite moneyplant, keep an eye on the kids as they eat their meals, and order them about as needed, keep an eye on the stairs and the goings on there and also have a good view of the TV should that ever be switched on. And I enjoy it here for the most part. But of course you do get couch-sore after a while and the energy tends to stagnate with little movement and needs a little booster to re-circulate it.

Its amazing how a single shift of scene for even a short while can really achieve this reorganisation. A simple hobble-trip to the bathroom on my crutches gives me such a sense of fulfilment. Being able to get there, balancing myself well on one foot, doing it without exerting too much strain on my right foot, opening the door and trying to close it by myself behind me (this I have not been able to achieve fully yet but I will get there!), and being fully independent and able to do the rest of it all the way until I get back to my throne, is an exercise in exertion, discipline, stamina and optimism. Because its all too easy to think of how it would have just taken me 5 long strides to the bathroom, and under 3 minutes behind the closed doors, which now takes me a full 10 minutes and slip into that melancholic well. But slowly, with the passage of days, I have sort of forgotten my older way of life. The one where I used to rush and race and do things back to back, all at a dizzying pace of life. Now, multitasking is OUT OF THE QUESTION. I better focus on just one thing or I might take a fall. And its lovely to focus on just one thing and have the LUXURY of focusing on just one thing. Imagine, if all that needed 100% of your attention was to find a way to get those 5 paces to the bathroom and back, without incident, how simplified life has become??? My mind is decluttering automatically and has assumed an easy somnolence with life. A sweet feeling of don't worry, take it easy is my soundless mantra.

Remember that office chair I had bought and painstakingly assembled for R for his 35th birthday last year? Its serving as my wheelchair of a sort now. I hobble over and sit down on it and navigate my way around the kitchen and I can help chop some veggies or give my cousin a little company as she goes about her work. Yesterday, I spent some time on it looking out into the garage, as the kids played and ended up having the neighbours notice and pay their sympathies. That part was fun, playing the brave heroine to all their questions on how I manage.

Stiff muscles are a daily side effect of my stationary way of life. And heaven comes down on earth for those few moments when I arch my back and stretch those muscles, or roll my head in a cyclical rotation, or lean forward and do a nice cat stretch. Ahhhh! The life! Indescribable bliss! And its so simple. Which is what I love about it.

But of course, there are many challenges to this situation too. For one, I know weight gain will be an unavoidable effect of all this sitting. Sometimes, I end up ruminating on it too much and it stresses me and depresses me a little, but there is not much way to counter it substantially. I plan on doing some weights with my hands and keeping a part of the upper body toned. I want to catch up on my pranayama and meditation and keep my mind sharp and alert, yet relaxed. I know that this whole process of healing is not a simple straightforward one of 6 weeks and then finito. I know there's going to be physical therapy involved, and a period of being careful while testing my strength, a period where I have to build up my strength once more, a period of readjustment as I get back into mainstream daily life. But I guess all that can wait for now.

For all that these concerns are worth, I also know that this is such a special period for me. How often do you get a chance to lay back, do pretty much nothing and devote time to yourself when you are a mother and an adult??? So I am determined to make the most of it, and I think I have done a good job of it this first week. And while I am celebrating my return back to basics, the sweet suprises of life continue to pour. This morning I received 2 back to back shipments of books from two friends, enough to keep me busy for the next 5 weeks and onward too. Thank you both for this interesting enhancement to my bookshelf! :) Life in the slowlane is p.r.e.t.t.y d.a.r.n good!

A castaway in red! :D

3 days into the recovery period and already so much has changed. For one, I have settled in with my feelings on all that has happened overnight. I have accepted the situation a lot better now and have watched how things are sort of falling into place on their own, which lifts a lot of the worries off of me.

My cousin is here as of yesterday (Sunday). She is here for a whole week. So the kids and food are taken care of, which is usually the biggest concern in a situation like this. Some options have been worked out for the weeks following that, which I will elaborate on as time goes by, and it looks like I may be able to manage without my mom after all. I already have an excel spreadsheet, working out how the weeks ahead are planned. Which just goes to show that I have a lot of time on my hands. :). The sprain on my right leg is feeling a lot better and using the crutches for bathroom trips isn't as hard as it initially was. Only, a new problem emerged as of yesterday compounding the issue just a little bit. I have severe sciatic pain on my right leg now...the one that is sprained, making every single twitch of the muscle an excruciatingly painful one. I dread the very idea of going to the bathroom, all over again, and nothing short of helpless yelping every few seconds and a constant chanting of His name, get me through it.

Did I tell you guys that I named both my crutches? The one on the right is called Ashes. And the left one is Sparkly. One of the biggest challenges to emerge from this accident is a psychological one. My mind fears a lot more easily now. It is ready to fear without a second thought. That I find is more crumbling than anything else. And the only way to counter that is to actively stay in the moment, accept the pain wholeheartedly and just simply be determined to get through it. Something R said really impacted me 2 days back, when I was afraid to put pressure on my right leg to get up to a standing position. He told me that my crutches were now my legs. And that I must trust them. I must believe that they will help me and place my faith in them. Why does the most profound things in the world have to be the most simple??? As always, since I had no other choice, I believed in his words and trusted my 2 standing poles. That was the point that I decided to name them. For I started taking to talking to them, asking for their help and support and thanking them for another round of successful hobbling, that it made sense to personalise the whole endeavour. :)

I am thankful for the presence of my cousin and her 2 smart, talkative girls. The sounds of their laughter and words fill the house and enliven it no end. Sathya who was previously very dull and listless, loves their company and is blooming from their attention. They all fight, laugh, talk, scream, yell, get bored and generally create a cheerful ruckus from morning to night, that I have no time to feel low or miserable. I spend a lot of time playing board games with them, so they all don't get too bored. Mancala is the present favorite, followed by rounds of Mousetrap and Chinese Checkers. :)

I cannot express how much I enjoyed reading all your words and wishes for me and my family. The way you guys worded your thoughts and your advice to me...just leapt out and made so much of solid sense that I shall definitely be following it. :) All of you lauded me for my positive outlook. And I feel the real hero of the scene too deserves such a big pat on the back. My husband has been so full of patience with all of us. A handicapped wife, a sick child, another clingy bewildered one, deadlines just around the corner, a roadtrip to make, laundry to do on the side, and just the sheer worry of the logistics of it all. I felt so sorry for him as he went about his work and mine. But thankfully, his inner voice also guides him well, as it did in this one. He was prompted to prioritise himself and taking care of us was the simple priority. So he set aside work and all thoughts of it and dedicated himself to us. It was so nice to be taken care of by him. The bed coffees were such a treat. I think I can really get used to this life! ;)

I think I shall end this update here. The painkillers I took for the sciatica is making me quite groggy and my head is a fuzzy cottonball of words. I am now calling myself the Lady in red for very obvious reasons, and filing all these posts in the Castaway Series! Oh btw, I am just 2 posts away from 500. Please write to me, you all, and tell me what you would write, if you had a chance to sign my cast! I wouldn't mind a smart haiku while you're at it! :D

An imposed rest!

*sigh*

An unexpected turn of events, since this morning. I was rushing out the door to drop R to the station and I missed a step on the garage stairs and landed flat on the ground, while twisting both my ankles in the process. A doctor's visit and an x-ray an hour later, and the results are a sprain in the right ankle and a tibial fracture in the left ankle.

An orthopedic visit 3 hours later, and the fracture is confirmed and the sprain is pronounced severe. They put the left ankle in a cast and the right ankle in wrapping and a splint. With 2 weeks of strict rest and care, the sprain will likely heal itself. As for the cast, I need to have it on for 6 weeks. And that's how things stand right now.

I cannot begin to describe the challenges this brings forth in our life right now. R is running some major deadlines at work. Winkie's summer camp just go over and he has 2 and 1/2 weeks to go before school begins, which is probably a good thing in itself. Thambi has sensed the unusual change of pace in our lives and reacts to it with a dip in his spirits. I oscillate between keeping a solid, cheerful front, to giving in to the weakness of the pain and the helpless tears, at how we shall cope together for the next several weeks.

However, where a door closes, a window, as always has opened up. Several windows in fact, and many many small small panes, through which the brightest of light shines through to dispel the gloom of the darkest hours. What a lucky thing it is that it happened while R was still home with us. How awfully lucky that Thambi whom I was holding when I fell, escaped from the fall unhurt, because I had somehow managed to hold onto him in the process, until I reached the ground. How lucky it is that we have an angel of a babysitter and we could just drop off both the boys there for the day and have her care for them, food and all. How cool was it that I had managed to pack R some idli upma for his lunch and that in turn became our breakfast in the car, while we headed to the hospital. How wonderful and personal was my doctor and all the nurses and technicians I encountered.

There was a point of time when I was on the x-ray table and from inside sprang a prayer, waiting to find utterance from my lips....Please God, let it not be a fracture! Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to ask it. It was just way more comforting to submit and say...Your will, not mine.

How fortunate that I had the love of such a wonderful family....my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, my bro and sis-in-law, my lovely friends, my cousins! Just talking to each and every one of them and hearing the concern in their voices was balm to my wounded spirit. How convenient that we had leftover pizza which we could now heat up to have some lunch and keep our strength up. How completely lovely was the orthopedic doctor who saw me and empathised with my having 2 boys to keep up with. And the nurse who came to do my cast...oh! she had the most comforting hands that soothed the pain in my ankles as she bandaged it. R was patience and love personified, his bleary eyes giving away the acute exhaustion within, but never letting it get the better of him when it came to taking charge of things.

I know I shall be eternally thankful to my cousin in St. Louis who promised to come this very weekend to stay with me for the first crucial week, thereby lifting a heavy load off our minds. And thankful am I that my mother has a 10 year visa and is prepared to come at a moment's notice the instant we feel this is way beyond us. What an unexpected surprise and delight it was to see my neighbour from a few houses away (Roy's parents) and A & A show up without notice to check in on me. I cannot feel more loved than I am now. He has sent a lot of people and blessings my way all day. Another dear friend who lives just a block away took stock of the situation and bought us some quick groceries, despite her own imperfect health...some bread for our breakfast, some gatorade for energy and some bananas for a quick pick me up snack. Kind kind kind!!!

But surrounded as I am by these immeasurable blessings, my spirits do continue to dip every once a while, when faced with the prospect of using the crutches and going to the bathroom. The pain is sheer agony, and even more from the sprained ankle which I am now forced to put some pressure on, than from the unused left one. From time to time, I feel sucked into the worry vortex of contemplating life for the next 6 weeks and how I shall pull through it. R says to just stay firmly lodged in the present...thinking only about what I have to do for the next minute and not more than that. And I respond to his words because they are the lifeline thrown to me from the divine shores, not too far away. From time to time, I visualise God's beautiful presence, like He is in the same room with me, looking upon me, His hands raised in constant benediction, a smile forever etched in His face and I take heart. I know He deems it is time, to put all the spiritual theory I have surrounded myself with to the test, in the form of this intense practicals. Its time to rid myself of knowledge and acquire wisdom through action. So far, I am proud to say that I have done myself and Him proud. Courage under difficulty, and grace under pressure is possible and they are not just words I share with those that ask of it from me. I am now living my words and seeing the tangible effect it has on my aura and my strength.

My father in law tells me that this is my period of imposed rest. A time to pause from all that I have done and rushed to do, to just being still and silent. To regain, to recoup, to rest. I suppose that is it. For I would not have done it any other way. Once again, He has proved that phrase...ask and ye shall receive. Only, I forgot to add all the extra clauses to my request which may have ensured me a less trying time of it. :) Still.....it is time to take Him up on it with a smile and some cheer, and prove to him the strength of my mettle, for which He has prepared me for all this while....

Wish me love and luck for the next 6 weeks, my friends.....for I now face the Master, at His own game! :)