June 24, 2010, and we set off on a road trip.And it had all the thrill of adventure because it was not supposed to have been a road trip at all. Having misread the 15:25 on the ticket as 5:25 in the evening, we ended up arriving at the station a good 2 hours after the train's departure, much to our stunned shock and Winkie's soulful tears! A hurried conference followed, with alternative plans being considered and researched. The steep, last minute prices made flights for 8 people out of the question. Other trains were of no use because of the REGRET/WL sign against each one. The only choice, not being a choice at all, was by road and even that began with anxiety, since the first agency we called, had absolutely no vehicles available thanks to the Tamizh Semmozhi Manadu being held at the same time! But of course, all windows cannot possibly be closed at the same time, for how then can we breathe? That little window was another agency which did have a car available, a luxurious 8 seater, which made the 12 hour journey to Shencottah seem like a breeze! We went for it, but not before breaking our heads on how to route this trip under the alternative circumstances, what segment to drop and what to tweak! Finally, the gameplan was set and we needed to turn in early to be ready to set off at the crack of dawn!
The adventure was underway and I had prepped Winkie a bit the night before, as he was already quite broken up about the missed train. As we talked, he understood that he may be eating in strange places, and not have the cleanest toilets to use, and be on the road for hours on end, but it would all be one big adventure that we would remember and laugh about later!
Its funny how adventure works. When you claim something as one, adding that special tag to it, it does indeed take on that ephemeral form, where every turn is exciting, bringing something unexpected. And its amazing when you start praying for even the little things...a decent place to have breakfast, a reasonably clean toilet somewhere...and you end up with exactly that. A place that served some of the yummiest vadais I have ever tasted, as part of a scrumptious buffet style breakfast, and attached to the same place, were a set of clean, clean public bathrooms, the kind of which is a rarity in roadside India. What is even better is when the kids decide that they are not beneath using it, and do so to their heart's content, rather, their stomach's content. :D
What's even more amazing is what happens when you don't pray. Little things pop up on the roadside to enchant your desh starved heart! Endless groves of coconut trees that seem to touch the horizon, the ghat formations dotting the rural landscape, their sides lush with vegetation, brightly painted yellow bus stops every few km; the 3D Ganesha picture hanging from the windshield, which lets you spot 3 different profiles of the elephant God, as it turns tantalizingly this way and that; a softly sleeping child, his head cradled in the lap of his grandmother, his body supported atop the firm legs of his father, his feet touching my hands, as I scribble these exact details of his posture!
All the while, the mind paints its signs in the inner chatter with the head...some needless thoughts wandering through some of the dark, unlit corners, trapped with no means of escape. But it is not said lightly that the pen is mightier than the sword, for when I finally resort to the reprieve of opening my notebook to write, I have taken up the torch to shine a light in those dark corners and scare away the blackness of it all. My cheeks have softened and a smile is easy once more...and despite the constant motion of the car reducing my words to an undecipherable scrawl, I enjoy the beauty of release and write in a haze, to release the beauty that surrounds me outside the window and finally flowers within my heart!
Today you turn 7 years old. 7 is a pretty significant number in the Vedic sense. It was a time when a young boy was initiated into the path of Brahman, with the official thread ceremony. It signifies the true end of childhood, for henceforth, your sanskaras become binding on you. Whatever actions your perform, leaves its impressions, which will be carried forward until expended, in this life and the next. And psychologically as well, it is supposed to be a time when the boy moves away from the fold of his mother and closer to the father, the peers, the community. That single number 7, is supposed to be the gateway to all these changes.
And right now, from our very micro perspective, it feels like nothing has really changed. You still need me more than ever, and more so now, here in Chennai, where everything has been a shift from the familiarity of home. I thought a lot about what to write for this letter of yours, and could not come up with anything special, other than the mystique of the '7'. So I am going to content myself with giving you a simple record of how our day is panning out and is expected to pan out.
You woke up only around 8:30, but there were so many calls on the phone before that of loving family wishing to talk to you to wish you. Appa will call you later in the evening, when you've already got a headstart on your day. The morning started off on a sour note for you, as you refused the mango complan that you had wanted me to buy for you. I didn't want you to waste the milk and you didn't want to touch it and we went on like this in some vein, until finally you settled for some Bournvita. You should know, that we have a lot of these kind of fights every day. And it was no fun repeating it on your birthday as well. :)
We had a nice plan going, for soon after an early lunch, we went shopping, just you and me, to busy busy Mylapore, to buy you whatever you wanted, as a gift from your grandparents and your family. We bought you a proper watch this time, not a toy one, though I still thought it was way too early for one. But your Chitthi had so painfully researched it and chosen one that she wanted you to have. So her wish was fulfilled, as was yours. My preference was that it be analog, and it is.
We bought you something to wear tonight for the dinner with the grandparents and family. Sandlas to replace the worn ones you have now. Clothes and sandals for Thambi too, since it feels nicer that way, and you took some interest and pointed out which shirts to pick for him. Yesterday, I had placed an order for a blackforest cake, saying 'Happy 7th Birthday Akhil'. You were with me, when we did it, and could barely contain your excitement.
As I am typing this now, you are lounging around, trying to pass the time until 7 PM. I love you. I really really really do. In my heart and dreams, I had envisioned feeling terribly mushy and making every minute and second of your birthday happy for you. But its been difficult, because my fuse, as always is short, and our chemistry is such that we always find ourselves on sparring ends. But you are my son...the one who changed my status forever, and every part of you is special to me for that.
Even as I find myself wanting to change a lot of things about you, I love all your little quirks, everything that moves you to tears, and everything that makes you erupt into a very unwilling smile. I love your two crooked little bottom teeth, and that irresistible smile. I love your shyness and being one of the few ones to know that so much lies beneath that veneer of silence. I also wish I wasn't one of the few who knew that, because I want you to glow and shine in everything you do in your life, kanna.
I am sorry for everything else this past year, where I have made things more difficult for you, and I am glad for everytime afterward that I have pulled you close for a hug and a firm kiss and to say I love you. Because I do. I do. I do. I do.
I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day. The very fact that you look forward to your birthday every year, is proof enough that you know that we care and we love, even through this limited form of expression. I chose this picture for your 7th, because it shows you laughing with abandon, with your arms open, as if receiving everything coming your way. That is what I wish for you more than anything else. For you to welcome everything in your life, the good, the great and the grim, with such love and faith that you stand so deeply rooted in that sand, that not even the strongest wave can move you from your point, as it washes and recedes, and you still have that look of cheerful abaondon on your face.
The heat was what hit me the first day. For the first time ever, I wasn't sure I would be able to withstand it. Thankfully the rains came down just in time and cooled away some of the stress, making the prospects of the next 2 months a lot more pleasant.
I have realised one thing about being back in desh....how every trip I make is a barometer of my spiritual reading. How I can sense my own inner growth and stand firmly atop the mound of progress that I have made which gives me an even better bird's eye view of the road that I have travelled to get there. India strengthens and fortifies me very intensely in this way. I am closest to my fountain of peace here, I have come to realise. I just love it!
Another thing that hit me about this time, is not a culture shock of how much things have changed, because I really don't know how much it has, never having really grown up here, but how much more at home I have become in Chicago in these last 6 months. I had been lost and drifting for awhile, not enjoying any kind of firm anchor to life, but I have found myself again through the heart of a friend who has really shone the light in all the dark places and forced me to get my blinders off. And just like that, whatever resistance I had to the country I was still living in, that feeling of restlessness, of being a nomad at heart, of never knowing where quite to settle...all of it just came into sharp focus and reached a clear visible point. I know that Chicago has become a true home for me, after a really long time. I have begun to love my life there, in the way I should have always have. I find my attachments strengthening with every new friend I make, and talking to whom stirs my heart. And just as peaceful as it all is, it is also again unsettling. Because it gives rise to some big questions once more about where we shall be 5 years down the line.
But I can never ask myself a big question and remain impregnated with it for long. Cutting the ties that bind...is my motto these days. I am finding that all the issues, big and small are answered with this simple test : Does it adhere to the 5 human values?
SathyaDharmaShanthiPremaAhimsa
In other words...Truth, Rigth Conduct, Peace, Love, Non Violence.
This is the litmus test for any step we want to take in life. Its easier to ignore this 5-fold principle for the smaller things in life, which we can easily ignore as not creating much impact...though at a subterranean level, it all adds up. And it becomes easier to view it in the light of the bigger life issues, since we need all the help we can get at the time anyways!
In 3 short days, I feel the tremendous power of love. Its all love, love love, love, love. That's all there is. There is nothing more to life than this. Of this I am convinced. But how easily, those blinders come on in a moment of weakness and a flash of insanity! Still, every step has been a step forward. And I am loving this keen feeling for life once more. India always does that to me. Touches me in places that I had forgotten could exist. Challenges me to heights that I would not have the fortune of being tested to. Transforms me in ways that is a leap of faith and understanding. My heart will always belong to her, but somewhere, it is expanding to take in the happiness that I have found across the 7 and something seas!
Its time to exchange the dollars for rupees, and pack the kurtis in place of the capris. After 15 months, we are heading to India again today. This time minus all the drama that preceded the last visit. I have checked my passport 3 times, and had a second pair of eyes look at it. We are in agreement, that the numbers are aligned right. Still, I have this innate anxiety now, that will not abate until I have cleared the check in counter. :)
I shall be traveling along with my boys, and somehow, this time, I am really looking forward to it, like never before. The nurse at the doctor's office shook her head disbelievingly yesterday, about 20 hours with 2 young kids. But I told her..."What's the stress in that?" And with this firm faith, we shall step on that plane to cross the Atlantic, hoping no sudden ash from a spewing mountain will cause a detour or delay.
There's so much of life to be covered in writing, things that have really made a mark on my emotions, things that have been inspiring, but I don't know where the time goes anymore. The moment passes and soon, the weight of emotion that would have fueled me to write would have settled, leaving no words behind, just a slender string of hindsight.
Let me give some snapshots at least. Winkie is a successful graduate of 1st grade. In Fall, he will be ready for second grade. His last 2 weeks were a bit rough with the said friend making him miserable with said behavior. But we have been talking a lot through it, and I have had a chance to listen to his thoughts and he has had a chance to listen to mine. In many ways, I am glad that it happened at the end, and didn't color his entire 1st grade experience. We will bolster ourselves to become stronger and wiser to find our way through 2nd grade and the rest of life, as we go along. But for now, he has packed his little bag with a notebook, a special pen from me, and lots of snacks to become a sophisticated traveler. He is anticipating his 7th birthday with a lot of eagerness and happiness.
But even more than him, it is Thambi that awaits his brother's birthday. He will not accept any other birthdays thrown in, in the middle. Some time ago, Winkie took the effort of teaching Thambi the sequence of a day. How it is first morning, oops sorry....how it is first sunrise, then morning, then afternoon, then evening, then sunset and finally night. And for days, nay weeks after that, this was repeated like a mantra every sunrise, morning, afternoon, evening, sunset and night, and there were many a surprise quizzes too. But we passed that test, only to find that it is a different sequence that is spinning like an unstoppable record now from those little lips. The sequence of birthdays. First Anna buthuday, then Appabuthuday, then Ammabuthuday, then Sathyabuthuday! That's the simple part. In honor of our upcoming vacation, Winkie's going one step further and throwing all the other family birthdays into the mix, with the little fellow trying to keep up and let's hope this conversation lasts long enough to cover the next 24 hours until we set foot on land again. By that point, we will have had a peaceful journey behind us, and a delighted set of family before us who are thrilled to have their birthdays duly noted in his calendar. He is at the point of highest charm right now. Where a streak of babyhood still remains, mixed in with the sweet lisps of toddlerhood, blended interminably with the unique complexities of being a bigger boy. *sigh*. He makes our hearts turn so.
As for me, I am at a very calm turn of life right now. I am a lot more comfortable in my own skin, after having taken the reins of my health in my hands and aligning myself on the path of achieving some of my goals for this lifetime. I have taken up running with gusto, and it comes second to yoga for me, in terms of being a personal retreat from life and my chaotic mind. I have signed up for the 1/2 marathon this coming fall and training for it in earnest. Boat Club Road is going to be my haunt in Chennai and some road by the beach, when I am staying at my parent's place, so if you see a woman with a water belt across her waist, earphones plugged in her ear and running in her brand new Saucony Hurricanes, you'll know she's me. R's been ragging me about the water belt incessantly. But I'll have the last laugh when I can run hands free and hydrate to my heart's content in sweltering Chennai! :D
So that's about me, about us, and about life with us. Please send a quick wish above-wards for a smooth, "uneventful" flight and I'll catch you all from home soil.
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