Of nest and trust and doing the best!

Those who have been reading my blog for awhile now, know how much I focus on trying to change things within me. How I am constantly introspecting, for the meaning and place of things in my life and the way I am affected by them. How I know what are the true impediments to my own inner growth, and what I need to overcome it. And that one of the biggest things holding me back was my anger. But perhaps, you didn't know that last bit, because I wasn't that very aware of it myself, until now. But over the last 10 years, I learnt that had let a lot of anger grow within me. And that it was liberally expressing itself with my kids and my husband and my family in different ways. And that expressing it always always made me terribly unhappy in the end.

So much so that when my the form of my Spiritual Guru, passed from this earth, I was seized, not just by that initial grief, but right after, this great sense of urgency to transform. To lend some meaning to my own life, by giving up this great big obstruction, that did no good. To instead let some of that anger turn inwards, in a very positive light and let out that steam to fuel the real effort to let it go.

On Easwaramma Day, at Winkie's Balvikas graduation, I wrote this down on a little flower petal that was meant for giving up such vices. And then again, renewed that resolve among a group of my bhajan friends, as we all tried to let one bad thing go. The days following that were horrible. If possible, I got more angrier than ever, I let it show more fiercely than ever, through the most biting words and screaming, and it seemed like I had completely forgotten that such a resolve had been undertaken by me. Looking back now, I realise those were the death shrieks of my own Ego, as it realised it was close to annihilation. And it was putting up quite a fierce fight. But it eventually lost to the greater power....which was my sincere desire to change and be better.

After 3 bitterly frustrating days, the 4th day found me much calmer. The anger was still there, but even as it tried to bubble up to the surface, I became aware of it, and seized control back. I bit back words, I gave myself time outs, and forced myself to speak softly. I exercised a lot of restraint in my reactions, and found that I enjoyed that pause and breather to think things through. When things got overwhelming, I simply dropped to my knees and prayed, with a fervency and urgency, that was so liberatingly pure. And it always helped.

Slowly, whatever anger I still had became more impersonal. And by that I mean, that I still acted angry sometimes, but it was just to put a point across to the boys, that some things just weren't done. Inside, I felt no passion in that anger. It was calm...and quiet. One of the biggest things this effort has wrought in me is this sense of sweet restraint. I don't feel the urge to react right away. Do you know how big that is? Most of our problems happen because we cannot control our urge to react to something. I find myself being aware of whatever undesirable feelings and emotions still surface, and giving it the time and space to work itself out. And then I act.

But perhaps, the nicest after-effect, and not the subtle kind, to come from all of this...is my relationship with Winkie. Those who have been reading my blog for awhile now also know that I can have a complex sort of chemistry with him, quite unlike the more effortless one I have with my younger one. Now, Winkie feels the direct warmth of all my change and my efforts. He is a lot more relaxed around me now. We talk so much more. He is bubbling with things to tell me from school, whereas before I would have to pry even a single word out of him for a simple question, on how was your day! He likes being with me, and is more forthcoming with ideas on what we can do together. The times when I have to get strict and put on my disciplining mantle, he is more responsive and understanding of them. Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? I think so too. But because it is all good, it is all true.

The biggest testimony to my goodness is from an incident this morning. It all happened so mellifluously that it can't even be sharply termed an incident, but let me coin a few words to tell you about it. He was ready for school. Bag was packed, I had done my bit for his lunchbox and everything and he was set to leave. I wished him a good day, but he lingered. Suddenly, before I knew it, he came and wrapped his arms around my waist and snuggled close in a hug, a very content smile on his face. Within a second, I was bent over him, planting a kiss on his soft cheeks and smoothing his hair, thinking simultaneously that it was time for a haircut. :). As he walked, he turned back so many times to wave and the gap from the loss of one of his upper milk teeth, made his smile even more goofier and sweeter. He was showering his love so liberally and affectionately, that at one point, it got too much to take and I started feeling conscious of it within myself, and played down my own delight, into a very casual smile and wave back. But the impression was left on my heart and I find myself giving myself a very hearty pat on the back through this post, for being such a good girl! :D

And I realise one thing.....transformation is so easy beyond a point. It is just reaching  t.h.a.t  point, that's the killer! :)

As for why I chose the picture of an empty nest on the tree outside my home....the reasons are 2-fold. One, there is an avid reader friend of mine, who loves the visual effect of a picture for each post. And 2, because the picture should have some relevance to the words underneath, and I figure this is mine. The sight of it makes me happy. Its been around for a few years now, and I think its still being used. And I think the fact I am most touched about, without even realising how touched I am about it, is that this little bird has trust in us, and faith in us, to have built a nest and left it there, knowing it can always come back to it. Something about that implicit trust, hones my protective instincts even further. Just like the trust, that people I love, have in me, to be the best thing that I can be! Yes, I can find a sob story for everything! :D