Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Peeping out of the box...

This morning, I laced up my shoes and decided to go for a walk. And not just around my community as I usually tend to do, but out. Across the street, crossing the main road and into the rarely explored world. Its funny how much we shut ourselves into boxes of different kinds, each one with its own pre-imposed restrictions and constraints. And the slyness of it is how you don't even notice it. Not until you unconsciously set yourself in the direct path of confronting it. I noticed mine in the slight hesitation, even trepidation, why even fear in setting off beyond the boundaries of my own community. And I was shocked at myself. At how deeply I had embroiled myself into the box.

So I set off on my walk. To see what life outside the box had to offer. And to see if I could open myself up to it. The weather was a little balmy, a sure promise of the kind of day to come, but the light morning breeze caressed in all the right places, and set in place a feeling of general well being. Inspired by the momentum of my walk, I began to notice the little things and hear all the high notes being reached, on many a tree branch. The pretty lavendar wildflowers, that could give the spring dandelions a run for their money; wild geese congregating on the banks after their morning swim; a red robin hop hoppity hopping across the grass; sprinklers going haywire watering the lawns and the street; 2 green deck chairs sitting pretty in the backyard, pink flamingos perched daintily between the bushes, looking like they just had a fresh coat of paint. And what is it about picket fences that makes them look so alluring and paints this picture in your head of something calm and quiet? And begs you to come with your own lick of paint to whitewash them with???

This was all the life that was happening, so vibratingly around me, when I hit the pause button on my thoughts. But of course the mechanism of it is a wily one. Its like on a tape player. How you have to press all the way down to start the function, applying all the pressure of your index finger, but all it takes to stop it, is just that light pressure on the 'Stop', just until that point, and it all releases with a loud click. So many times, I caught myself thinking about everything that took me away from that place, and from the person in my shoes. I made plans for what we would do that weekend, how we would get out and ultimately relax in these perfect surroundings, rain or shine! What I would do as soon as I got home. How I was going to cross that busy intersection of a road, miles before I even came to it. How I wished I had my Canon instead to take pictures. Just to name a few.

And this is precisely the kind of thing that has exhausted me and brought me to this point of being locked in a box. This incessant, unrelenting, mental activity, that doesn't let up, even in sleep, manifesting instead as vague dreams and a toss and turn night. The ultimate was when I was sitting down with Thambi and it looked like he was asking me something, and I don't know what happened, but it must have been a full minute later, when I realised that R was counting down some numbers, while looking at me and smiling. And I noticed it with a start, and then it dawns on me that he is counting down to the length of time it was taking me to respond to the little guy. Who all this while had been patiently repeating his question, without giving up on me. It was just so heartbreaking, to see how far I had gone, when there was absolutely no need for that trip, when the nicest possible thing was right there in front of me, waiting to be experienced.

How much of life has such been lost to me already? And how much more will I helplessly forgo, before I can just be simple again? Every day, I wonder. And maybe that is what peeping out of the box, every so often, reveals to you.


Vidhya said... Best Blogger Tips

So true. This wild horse aka the mind needs to be tied to a place so often!!!

Btw, could you make your font size a little bigger, so that it is a little easier on the eyes?

Kowsalya Subramanian said... Best Blogger Tips

and how sometimes i take that wandering mind as "my" right and say i want a little "me time"

Tharini said... Best Blogger Tips

Vidhya. I sure will. I am trying to figure out a better template, font etc for the blog. So once I do that, I will make sure the new one is easier to read. Right now, if I make it bigger, it just looks too big for the page under the current settings.

K : I think a little 'me' time is good and very essential. What defines the success of that time is what you choose to fill it with. Are you going to just watch mindless TV or are you going to make it something really peaceful on the mind? That's what I struggle with.

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