Thursday, July 05, 2012

Love learns of itself

The fireworks are going off outside, every now and then, lighting up the sky in the prettiest streaks of colour. But what makes me smile, from deep down, is this amazing secret I just heard. For when you hear the true feelings of child who is best known to hold them closeted deeply inside, is it not as thrilling as a secret just revealed in all its intensity?

If there is anything I have felt ever since Winkie was old enough to express himself, it is that he was always a mystery to me. One that I got a slight whiff off every now and then, but most of the time, I would have to resort to my own limited vision and weak labels to put him in a place where I could understand him. But today, after some very frustrating interactions between the two of us, he gave vent to some heavy tears and in between all that sobbing found words to attach to his mystifying feelings and finally helped me understand some part of what he faces everyday.

He told me how he gets tired of helping Thambi and how he has so many classes to attend and practices to do as a result. And how rushing and keeping time was also getting to him. And how I smile so little at him and always look so serious and upset. And so many other little things, that I did not really know in quite as many words from him. He suddenly found the words to give vent to every frustrating and saddening thought inside him. And in the novelty of this secret unfolding itself, I listened.

When you can listen to a person this acutely, when you can be the space for their feelings and thoughts and expressions of pain, without a single thought of judgement in your own head, you see them e.x.a.c.t.l.y  as they are, with all their complexes, mixed in with the interminable beauty of their soul, all shining through together. There is absolutely no question of thought and judgement, just the simplest sense of observation, because there is a such a feeling of oneness with that emotion, and you feel it right along with them. And there is such a feeling of love. Love cannot be separated from being one with that moment and giving the space needed for a person to be himself.

This love that has nothing to do with the relationship binding you and nothing to do with a feeling of relating to that specific pain. It is a love that has no reason for its presence in your heart, but that it is there beating powerfully and resplendently. This is when you know you have had a true heart to heart connection. And you know that it is possible to expand in that love and let it exist for itself, without anything else to support it.

That love gave me the practicality and acute presence of mind, to find words of comfort, that directly touched his heart and helped him calm down. It helped soften the tone of my voice, and make it gentle and soothing as a lullaby, softly and tenderly sung. It made me focus on every single point he had raised, and accept each one of them as valid and just, and think of how we could handle it going forward. I was with him as he felt his frustrations, and he was with me as I explained my side of the story and together, we had a much more joint perspective of everything.

Our minds met, our hearts joined and our feelings which at first had collided imperceptibly, now fused and melded together in such a sweet goodwill and affection, that was larger than a mother and son relationship, but expressed itself through this very same medium.

It makes you realise why you need relationships and the inevitable collision of personalities and egos. How else can love learn of itself?


Subha said... Best Blogger Tips

You are a great mother!


Tharini said... Best Blogger Tips

@Subha Hi Subha...I don't know about great, but I'm glad I can have a firm head on my shoulders from time to time. No self deprecation intended. :)

A day in the life of a MOM said... Best Blogger Tips

Nicely expressed.

Kowsalya Subramanian said... Best Blogger Tips

Been there, felt the same. Such one-o-one makes me realise how much I take Abi for granted.

rozz said... Best Blogger Tips

Gone though this....The oneness that we feel when understanding their inside struggles is the real love,it has this calmness that will soothe both the parties involved.loved the way u wrote about it!

Sue said... Best Blogger Tips

This photo of his threw me, more than a little. Has it been that long since I looked in on you guys?

Fascinating post, Tara, especially for me right now. Thanks for writing it.

Tharini said... Best Blogger Tips

@Sue Time's a flying. Its been a long while since I even wrote. Nice to see your comment. :)

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Very well expressed writing on such complex emotions. I read you and Noon just for the way you express human emotions in beautiful prose. Love for your son and the moment of realization shines through your writing. It makes many mothers who are going through such moments see their feelings in words and wonder how one can express these thoughts so eloquently.
Best wishes, Peave & Love!

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