Thursday, July 05, 2012
Love learns of itself
If there is anything I have felt ever since Winkie was old enough to express himself, it is that he was always a mystery to me. One that I got a slight whiff off every now and then, but most of the time, I would have to resort to my own limited vision and weak labels to put him in a place where I could understand him. But today, after some very frustrating interactions between the two of us, he gave vent to some heavy tears and in between all that sobbing found words to attach to his mystifying feelings and finally helped me understand some part of what he faces everyday.
He told me how he gets tired of helping Thambi and how he has so many classes to attend and practices to do as a result. And how rushing and keeping time was also getting to him. And how I smile so little at him and always look so serious and upset. And so many other little things, that I did not really know in quite as many words from him. He suddenly found the words to give vent to every frustrating and saddening thought inside him. And in the novelty of this secret unfolding itself, I listened.
When you can listen to a person this acutely, when you can be the space for their feelings and thoughts and expressions of pain, without a single thought of judgement in your own head, you see them e.x.a.c.t.l.y as they are, with all their complexes, mixed in with the interminable beauty of their soul, all shining through together. There is absolutely no question of thought and judgement, just the simplest sense of observation, because there is a such a feeling of oneness with that emotion, and you feel it right along with them. And there is such a feeling of love. Love cannot be separated from being one with that moment and giving the space needed for a person to be himself.
This love that has nothing to do with the relationship binding you and nothing to do with a feeling of relating to that specific pain. It is a love that has no reason for its presence in your heart, but that it is there beating powerfully and resplendently. This is when you know you have had a true heart to heart connection. And you know that it is possible to expand in that love and let it exist for itself, without anything else to support it.
That love gave me the practicality and acute presence of mind, to find words of comfort, that directly touched his heart and helped him calm down. It helped soften the tone of my voice, and make it gentle and soothing as a lullaby, softly and tenderly sung. It made me focus on every single point he had raised, and accept each one of them as valid and just, and think of how we could handle it going forward. I was with him as he felt his frustrations, and he was with me as I explained my side of the story and together, we had a much more joint perspective of everything.
Our minds met, our hearts joined and our feelings which at first had collided imperceptibly, now fused and melded together in such a sweet goodwill and affection, that was larger than a mother and son relationship, but expressed itself through this very same medium.
It makes you realise why you need relationships and the inevitable collision of personalities and egos. How else can love learn of itself?